


Home is just a room full of my safest sounds

by nofeartina



Series: Rearranged [6]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Bottom Isak, Fist Fights, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied past dubcon, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV Even, Past Child Abuse, The promised happy ending!!, Top Even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-01-27 05:09:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12574408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nofeartina/pseuds/nofeartina
Summary: Even is suffering.It almost feels like he’s slipping, but he knows that that’s not really what this is.No, this constant ache in his stomach, the constant clench in his heart, it’s due to something completely different.He’s scared.





	1. Kiss me on the mouth and set me free

**Author's Note:**

> The last part of the series!! I can’t believe we’re finally here! This series has been really hard to write, but also very cathartic, and it’s definitely helped me get through some hard times. Thank you to all of you who have been with me so far, and have read, commented and kudos’ed. You’ve all helped me finish this series. <3
> 
> Thank you to my beautiful beta, Mornmeril, for all her help with this one and for holding my hand through the process. Ily, babe! <3
> 
> There’s three chapters in this part, and they’ll be posted once a week. I hope you’ll enjoy every single one of them. :)

Even is suffering.

He’s having trouble sleeping, lies awake all night listening to Isak’s easy breathing, looking at the ceiling. Passing time. He tries not to get too lost in his head, tries not to let the images flashing before his eyes take over, but it’s hard. It’s a battle he’s thoroughly losing. His appetite is shot to hell, and he knows he should concentrate on reading for his exams.

He should, but he’s not.

It almost feels like he’s slipping, but he knows that that’s not really what this is.

No, this constant ache in his stomach, the constant clench in his heart, it’s due to something completely different.

He’s scared.

He’s scared as shit. Every time he leaves the apartment he looks over his shoulder, feeling stupid even as he does it, every time his phone dings with an incoming message, he can feel himself starting to sweat and he’s afraid to look.

Most of the time it’s nothing. Most of the time it’s Isak texting him, or his parents, or his friends.

But sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s messages that make him drop his phone and clench his eyes shut. Make him nauseous and shaky.

It seems like it doesn’t matter how many times he blocks the number, _he_ just keeps finding new ones to text him from.

Even hates it. Hates how he can feel himself getting lost in it. How he pulls back from Isak.

He doesn’t want to, but he knows that he’s keeping Isak at arm’s length, and he’s trying to examine why this is the way he’s reacting to this.

Isak’s been feeling it too, Even can tell. He’s been more affectionate, more loving towards him. And on one side Even has soaked it up, reveled in it, and on the other it’s just made him feel worse. Even though he feels like shit as it is.

The thing is... he’s keeping secrets from Isak.

It’s not something that Even likes to do. The exact opposite in fact, but he still feels like he has to.

That Friday at the bar had changed something in him. It had been so good to see Sonja, good to talk to her again. He hadn’t even realized how that could look to Isak, that Isak had never been introduced to her, and he was so surprised to hear that seeing him and Sonja together had made Isak jealous enough to disappear (silly, silly boy). If only Sonja was the real problem.

The truth is, he’s still left reeling from another encounter that Friday, like he has been several times before.

After Sonja had left and he’d been standing at the bar trying to locate Isak, he had been interrupted by his least favorite person in the world.  

Fucking Andreas.

Ever since the first time Andreas had introduced himself to Even at that club a couple of months ago, Even has come to realize who he is to Isak. And it seems that Andreas goes out of his way to find Even every time they’re at the same place.

Apparently, they move in the same circles, know some of the same people, because Even has bumped into him a few times now. And as if all of that wasn’t enough, there’s all these fucking _texts_.

All these relentless attempts to fill him up with doubts and insecurities about him and Isak. Vicious words whispered into his ear, letters glaring at him from the phone screen.

Things about Isak, things that he wishes he didn’t know.

Things that have made him pull back a bit from Isak and leave him terrified that he’s going to hurt him too. That he’ll push him too far as well.

And he hates it, hates it with every fiber of his being that Andreas has this ridiculous power over him now.

Even pretends it’s easy to ignore Isak’s budding suspicions.

He’s not being intrusive about it, not at all. Just seemingly casually asks him once in a while whether he’s alright. And Even always nods and says yes. Even though he’s not really sure that he is.

He feels unsettled, like he’s watching them from the outside. He feels fake when he holds Isak and kisses him lovingly. Although he does, he loves Isak so much.

He’s just started wondering whether he can ever truly be right for him.

He knows it’s stupid to doubt himself like this. Knows that Isak loves him too, and would disagree with him if he ever told him how he’s doubting this, doubting them. Doubting whether he can ever really be what Isak needs and wants.

He’s just so afraid that he’ll end up hurting him too, make him want to take another step back from the world. Maybe make him disappear completely inside his addiction.

He knows he has the power to do that. And it’s a heady feeling to hold so much power over someone.

\--||--

They’re both a bit stressed.

They’re revising for exams and Even is pleasantly surprised how easy it is for them to do it together at their place.

He’s sitting on the couch, going over his notes, and it’s so comfortable being with Isak like this. Isak is sitting by the table in the living room, his books spread out, taking up most of the space there.

Even should be studying, he really should. He still has 40 pages more to read before he’s done his quota for today, but instead he's looking at Isak who's completely lost in his own books.

He’s so beautiful sitting there that it makes Even’s heart clench and he feels like he’s going to be consumed by guilt any second.

He really hates keeping this from Isak. It’s suddenly too much and he finds himself unable to look at Isak any longer, instead he turns his head to gaze out the window.

He’s lost in his mind, thoughts spiraling, and he doesn’t know how long he ends up sitting there like that. But he’s startled when Isak starts to speak.

“I’ve never really been good with setting boundaries for myself,” he says out of the blue, breaking the silence in the room. “That’s one of the reasons why I have such a hard time giving up control.”

He’s looking down at the table, only flicks his eyes up as if to see if Even is listening and he is. Even has turned his head back to Isak and is giving Isak all of his undivided attention.

“I’ve done things I wasn't in the right mind to do. I've had things done to me that I probably wouldn't agree to if I hadn't been high and drunk. And those things just make it even harder for me. But you make me want to try. You make me want to be better.”

Even looks at him with wet eyes.

“You don’t need to be better, Isak. You’re just fine the way you are,” Even says and hates how his chest constricts at seeing Isak baring himself like that. It makes him weak in the knees.

“Even. Just… please, let me say this.”

Even leans back and goes quiet again.

“I’m just really sorry that I’ve done things that have messed me up so bad that I feel like a shell of who I used to be. And I’m sorry that this is what’s left for you.”

And how can Even sit still when Isak is saying stuff like this? He just can’t, so he gets up without even thinking about it, and kneels in front of Isak. He pulls at Isak so he’s sitting sideways on the chair instead, his body angled towards him and he puts his hands on Isak’s legs.

“You once told me that you wanted me in any way I am, and that goes both ways. You definitely don’t need to say sorry for what happened to you. It’s not your fault that people took advantage of you, baby.”

Even has never meant anything more in his life, and he looks at Isak imploringly, like he can make him believe, make his words bleed into Isak’s soul and erase those fucking insecurities of his.

He can see that Isak’s eyes are getting wet too and he leans over Even and falls into him, and it’s so surprising to Even that he falls backwards with Isak in his arms.

He can’t help the laugh that escapes him, although it doesn’t really fit the mood at all. But apparently that was just what was needed as Isak huffs out a laugh as well and tightens his arms around him.

Lying like this with Isak makes it easy to forget about Andreas and his words of poison.

\--||--

Later they’ve found their way to the bed and Even has accepted that there’s just no way in hell that he’s going to be able to read those 40 pages he was supposed to. Isak has him in a tight grip, he’s completely wrapped in Isak’s arms and legs and it’s the first time in a long while that his mind is just quiet.

There’s nothing really sexual about it. They’re just lying there like that, absorbing each other’s warmth. Even’s nose is buried in Isak’s curls and it grounds him, being surrounded by everything Isak like that.

Isak hasn’t told him anything more, hasn’t given him any details, but Even is sure he would if he were to ask. But the thing is that Even isn’t sure he wants to know any details about this. It might be selfish, maybe Isak really needs to tell someone, but Even isn’t sure that he could manage to listen to it.

He’s heard enough from Andreas already, and it’s driving him crazy just knowing that.

It just pains him so much that Isak’s been through those things. It’s a deep ache within him knowing that maybe he could’ve stopped it from happening. It makes it hard for him to breathe, to sleep, to eat, and he can’t imagine what it would do to him if he knew even more.

So he doesn’t ask.

On the other hand, it doesn’t really seem like Isak is waiting for him to ask. Maybe Isak is also happy with Even not knowing too much.

The timing of this confession tickles Even’s curiosity though. He’s not sure what Isak’s going through that makes him have these thoughts and it just makes him feel like an even worse boyfriend that he hasn’t caught onto the fact that Isak is apparently going through something as well.

“What brought this on, Isak?” Even whispers into his hair, afraid to break the quiet bubble surrounding them.

Isak sighs, not annoyed, more like he’s gathering his thoughts.

“It’s just… Sometimes it hits me how living like this with you seemed impossible to me for so long. I feel like it could slip out of my hands at any second if I’m not careful.”

He puts his chin on Even’s chest so he can look up at him and Even tilts his head, so he can look down at Isak.  

“And I… I realize that I haven’t been. I’ve never been good with careful.”

Even’s chest bursts with feeling, it chokes him up and makes his eyes wet all over again, looking for an outlet.

Even turns them over gently, brushes the hair that has fallen into Isak’s eyes away and revels in how Isak looks up at him. There’s no doubt in Even’s mind that Isak loves him, none at all, and it fills him up in a way that nothing else ever has.

He’s just never felt so much for someone before.

He lets his fingers explore Isak’s face, follow the ridge of his brow, the hard angles of his chin, the softness of his lips. Even has never seen anyone look more beautiful.

Isak nips at his fingers and asks, “What are you doing?”

“I'm having a gay moment,” Even says and lets his eyes roam Isak’s face, study how long his eyelashes are, the arch of his cheekbones, how stunning everything about him is. He can't believe he can have this, that Isak lets him have this.

Isak smiles at him in that private way he does. And he looks right back, his gaze feeling like a physical caress.

Even’s skin is tingling from it, from feeling too much, from knowing that Isak feels the same and Even leans in to kiss him. Isak leans up to meet him halfway and Even melts into the kiss.

This kiss. He feels it in his toes, in his lungs, in his stomach. It makes him dizzy and fills him up right away. It has an intensity to it that Even hasn’t felt before, and Isak seems to feel it too.

Even can feel him get hard under him in record time, and Even is in no better state, but it’s not desperately urgent as it normally is.

They just keep kissing and it’s like they have all the time in the world. Like they’re lost to the feeling of just this, just how good the feeling of wet lips sliding against each other is, how good it feels when their tongues are touching.  

Isak moans and that adds a whole different kind of intensity to the kiss. Even can’t help but chase that sound, rolls his hips against Isak’s, knowing that that normally coaxes those kinds of sounds out of him. And it does, Isak turns slack-mouthed as Even rubs against his dick with his thigh and Even takes advantage of it and licks along the seams of his lips.

Isak spreads his legs, makes room for Even between them. And Even slides in like he belongs there, like he _fits_. He loves this, loves when Isak does this. It just shows Even how much Isak trusts him now, that he lets him lie there like this. Like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Which it is now, but it really wasn’t not too long ago.

Even deepens the kiss and grabs onto Isak’s leg to hitch his thigh up higher. He lets his hand linger, likes knowing that Isak’s bare skin is just a layer of fabric away and Isak puts his foot over Even’s leg and entangles them completely.

Even is absorbed by this, by having Isak pull him close in this way. It makes him want things he shouldn’t, not until Isak is ready for it, but it’s almost like Isak can read his mind, because just then he releases Even’s lips to speak.

“Do you want to?”

It takes Even a moment to actually hear what he said as he’s lost in how breathy Isak’s voice sounds and how he’s already flushed. Even is ready to go. But the words slowly seep through his lust-riddled mind and he finally tears his eyes away from Isak’s lips to look him in the eye.

“What?”

Even notices the slight blush on Isak’s cheeks and just like that he knows what Isak’s offering. But he has to be sure, he needs to hear Isak say it.

“I’ve been thinking about it,” Isak says and he sounds nervous, like he really thinks that it’s not something Even is dying to do. He takes a steeling breath. “I really want you to. I want you to fuck me,” he says and there’s absolutely no doubt in his voice.

Even swallows thickly, can feel a deep throb in his dick at those words that he tries his best to ignore, this isn’t about him. Even leans up from Isak a bit, lessens the pressure on his dick and looks at Isak.

“Are you sure?” he asks, and he has to clear his throat to get rid of the roughness there.

He can see Isak turn insecure under him with that answer, so he leans down to kiss it out of him.

“Of course I do, baby. I want to so badly. But I don’t want it to be like last time,” he says with his lips hovering above Isak’s.

“I know. Me neither,” Isak says and he looks determined in a way that Even’s never seen on him before.

“You need to talk me through it. You need to tell me how you like it, and if I’m doing something you don’t like,” Even whispers and gives in to the compulsion to kiss him again.

Isak kisses him back eagerly, like he’s waited for Even to do so. He nods against Even’s lips.

“You promise?” Even breathes out between kisses. He needs to know, he can’t do this if he doesn’t believe it will end differently from last time.

Isak nods against him and Even leans back enough so he can see Isak. And just at that moment Isak opens his eyes and the way he looks at Even as he says, “I promise.” leaves absolutely no doubt in Even that he will.

So Even relaxes into the next kiss and this one is dirtier and rougher and full of promises of what’s to come.

They start undressing and it’s slow and deliberate. Even wants Isak to be able to follow every step of the way, doesn’t want to lose him to his mind. Wants him to feel everything that’s happening to him.

When they’re finally naked and Even is lying on top of him and his dick feels like it might fall off soon if he doesn’t get some kind of friction against it, he pants into Isak’s mouth.

“You want it like this?”

And he rolls his hips for emphasis, makes sure that Isak understands what he’s offering. He pulls back immediately as Isak shakes his head.

“I can’t…” he pauses, before he takes a deep breath and looks Even straight in the eye, “I can’t be held down. I don’t want to feel trapped.”

Even swallows and fights to keep his features unaffected by that.

It’s so hard to stay calm, not to get angry at the world when Isak says things like this. He only wonders for a split second what must’ve happened to Isak for him to say that, but he pushes it from his mind immediately. Now is definitely not the time for that.

“Okay,” he says and strokes Isak’s cheekbone to let him know that he hasn’t lost interest. “How do you want to do it?”

Isak swallows at that and looks away for a second.

“I have an idea, but I don’t know if it’s possible.”

“Let’s try, and if it doesn’t work, we’ll figure something else out,” Even says, intrigued.

Isak looks relieved at that, and Even has to kiss him some more, has to make him understand that Even wants him in any way possible.

He takes his time opening Isak up. It’s not like the last time when he was lost in his head and rushed through it. This time he’s meticulous about it, makes sure that Isak is with him, that he enjoys it.

Isak spreads his legs so beautifully for him, unashamed in how he tilts his hips up to meet Even’s hand as he’s thrusting two fingers inside of him. Even almost gets lost in it himself, the heat and the tight clench on his fingers is so delicious that his balls are throbbing and he’s shaking almost as much as Isak under him.

Isak moans and stretches his body, puts his arms over his head and looks like he’s just giving himself over to the feeling. Even feels dizzy with want at the picture Isak paints like that, long limbs, abs on display, and he has to touch to feel how real he is.

He puts his hand on Isak’s stomach and sighs at how his abs contract deliciously at that. He then proceeds to slide it up to his chest, feels how soft and tight his skin is and he can’t believe that it’s his for the taking. That Isak trusts him with this.

“Isak…” he moans out and he’s almost ashamed by how reverently it comes out. But he’s a little bit overwhelmed by this, he needs to make sure that Isak is right there with him.

Isak opens his eyes and finds Even’s immediately. His eyes are almost completely black with lust and his beautiful lips stretch into a wide smile that leaves no doubt how good he’s feeling.

“Yeah,” he just says and that’s enough. That’s more than enough for Even to understand that Isak is feeling it too.

“How do you want to do this?” Even asks and hopes it’s not too soon.

Isak keeps the smile on his face as he gets up to turn around and Even reluctantly takes his fingers out of him. He already wants them back in Isak, wants to feel connected to him in that way.

To his surprise Isak gets up on his knees and looks over his shoulder as he says, “Like this.”

Even’s dick jumps with it, immediately interested, but he has to make sure.

“I won’t be able to see you if I do something wrong like that.”

Isak just smiles at him, turns his upper body enough that he really can look at Even.

“I’ll tell you. I promise.”

Hearing him repeat those words from before settles the worry inside Even and he picks up a condom before he walks on his knees over to Isak. He kisses Isak’s shoulders and neck, loving how that makes Isak sigh. He has his lips on Isak as he puts on the condom and they only leave his skin for a few seconds while he drenches his dick in lube.

He shuffles closer between Isak’s legs with a hand on his dick holding it steady, angling it towards Isak. When he reaches him he gently rubs it over his crack and Isak hisses at that.

“Cold,” he mutters before Even can start to worry.

Even is trying to figure out the schematics of this position, how he’s going to get close enough to Isak to be able to fuck him. Isak is too far away from the wall to reach it easily, but he leans forward just as well until he can and that almost makes him bend over completely for Even.

Seeing Isak like that in front of him, all that smooth back and skin and his ass on display, almost makes Even lose it. Almost. He can’t help but reverently run a hand up his flank, just to feel all that skin, just to ground himself in the moment.

“You look so good like this,” he whispers, and his voice shakes with how much he’s feeling and he almost hates it, how vulnerable it makes him.

But then he sees how Isak flushes at his words, all the way down his back, and how he lets his head hang between his arms.

He pushes back towards Even just a bit, just enough to let Even know that he’s getting impatient and really wants this too. Even is weak against Isak silently begging him like this.

So he shuffles as close as he can, guides his dick towards Isak’s shining, perfect hole and he almost can’t breathe with how much he wants this. How happy he is that Isak wants to do this with him, trusts him not to hurt him. The importance of this moment makes him pause for a second, makes him swallow hard and he has to slide his hand over Isak’s skin some more before it settles on Isak’s hip.  

“It’s okay. I promise,” Isak says over his shoulder, seemingly sensing his hesitation.

This more than anything else reassures Even enough that he puts his dick against Isak’s hole and starts pushing in.

It’s so much easier than the last time.

It’s not difficult breaching Isak, the slide in is smooth and almost effortless and he bottoms out in no time. He can feel Isak shake under him, can hear him breathe hard, and he runs his hands over Isak’s skin, down his ass, up his back. Tries to ground him, to make him stay in the moment.

Even doesn’t dare move, needs some kind of reassurance from Isak before he can, but the clench around his dick makes it hard for him to stay still. It’s not too hard though. Doesn’t feel like the last time, doesn’t feel like Isak isn’t with him.

He’s flushed, Even can see small beads of sweat break out over his skin and the hair at his nape is starting to curl from it. Even desperately wants to see him, really wants to kiss him through this, but he understands how this isn’t really for him. This is for Isak, and he has to do whatever makes Isak feel comfortable.

Just this. Just standing like this with his dick inside of Isak makes his heart beat faster. He wasn’t sure that they would ever get here after the last time, and he’s so happy that Isak wants to try again.

“I just need a second,” Isak breathes out and that makes Even insecure all over again.

He tightens his grip on Isak’s hips, trying to assure himself that Isak would tell him to pull out if that was the problem, but he can’t help but worry.

“It feels good, Even. So good.” And Even can hear him smile. “But I still need a second.”

Even feels some of the tension he’s carrying ease. And he continues stroking Isak’s skin, wanting to help him through whatever’s going on inside of him.

It’s getting harder and harder to stay still. Isak’s walls are fluttering around him and Even’s starting to clench his teeth from it now. The pause doesn’t help, doesn’t make him feel more in control, just pushes him closer and closer to grinding into Isak further, to _move_ against him.

He can feel a drop of sweat drop from his forehead down his nose and he just manages to wipe it off before it falls down on Isak. He makes the mistake of looking down, just a glance really, but what he sees there is an image he will carry with him to his death.

Seeing his dick disappear inside of Isak, with Isak’s rim stretched tight around it, makes him almost swallow his tongue. He makes a high pitched, desperate sound and clenches his hands tighter around Isak’s hips.

“Fuck!” he mutters in complete awe.

It just looks so good that his thighs start shaking from the strain of holding back.

Isak moans at that and rolls his hips against Even. Even can’t hold in the groan that punches out of him, like all the air is leaving his body and he’s getting dizzy all over with it.

It’s like a feedback loop. Even’s groan makes Isak roll his hips more which in turn punches a deeper groan out of Even. He’s dying, but he’s still holding still. Just watches Isak roll his hips more and more against him, slowly fucking himself on his dick and it’s the most glorious sight.

Even doesn’t try to hold back the sounds that are pouring out of him. He’s so turned on by this, by seeing Isak chasing his pleasure like that, getting used to having a dick in him.

There’s absolutely no doubt that this feels good for Isak. He’s moaning like a porn star, and his flush is expanding all the way down to his ass. It makes his skin look delicious, makes Even want to lean in and taste it.

Isak stops suddenly, and Even is almost afraid something happened, that he moved after all, but Isak just starts letting go of the wall to get up on his knees. He leans back so he’s almost in Even’s lap and he just keeps leaning back so that his entire back is against Even and Even is sitting back on his haunches.

Isak spreads his legs around Even’s and Even uses that momentum to tug his feet under him, to settle into the position. Even can’t help but put his arms around Isak and Isak puts his hands over Even’s arms, keeping them there.

It’s a strange position, it makes it hard for Even to move, but he can see why Isak’s chosen it. It gives him freedom to move, to get away if he wants to, but it still gets him close to Even.

Isak rests his head on Even’s shoulder and Even can feel him breathe against his neck and his cheek. And if he leans his head forward a bit he’s able to look down the front of Isak’s body, is able to see Isak’s dick standing proud and firm.

It settles Even further, seeing the proof of Isak’s desire like that. That he’s still hard. He can feel Isak breathe heavily against him, feel how sweaty and hot he feels under his arms. It all just assures Even that he’s doing it right, that he’s giving Isak what he needs.

And then Isak starts to move. It seems like he’s done with the slow rolls of his hips, like he was testing himself almost, because now he starts to really move. Even whines through the first bounces, clenches his eyes against it, against the onslaught of sensations that brings.

“Fuck, you feel so good, Even,” Isak breathes out, and that’s game over for Even. He just can’t stay still anymore.

He experimentally grinds his hips against Isak, tries to figure out his range of movement in this position and he doesn’t have a lot to work with, but it’s got to be enough. He’s not changing anything for this, he’s got Isak bouncing on this dick, moaning away and he’s really into it. And Even can’t believe it, can’t believe his luck.

This position gets Even real deep inside of Isak and it’s been so long since he’s had his dick in anybody he’s almost forgotten how _good_ it feels. Seeing Isak’s enthusiasm, hearing the sounds his grinds are punching out of him makes him helpless against how fast he’s being pushed towards the edge.

He doesn’t want to. But the way Isak just slides up and down on his dick, getting himself off, is making his skin tingle with pleasure and his dick throb with how bad he needs release now.

He buries his face in Isak’s shoulder and Isak immediately puts a hand in his hair and keeps him there. He turns his face to Even and Even can hear every sigh and moan that leaves his lips like this.

Isak has a tight grip on his hair and Even’s scalp tingles with it, but it’s not unpleasant. It grounds him in the moment, makes it more real in a way.

Isak starts trembling for real against him and he’s sweating so much that it’s almost hard for Even to keep his arms around him.

“Fuck, _fuck_ , Even, touch me, touch me!” Isak moans against his cheek, his breath coming out in small puffs against Even and he turns his head to try to meet Isak’s lips in a kiss.

He manages, but barely. The angle is off, and the kiss is sloppy and wet, but it’s there and it makes Even high with how good this is. How perfect it is to have Isak like this.

The muscles in his ass and legs are starting to burn from the strain of grinding against Isak like this, with his legs folded up under him, but he can’t stop now. Not when he’s this close to coming, not when Isak is surrounding him like this.

Instead he ignores it to the best of his abilities and starts to slide one hand down the length of Isak’s torso until he reaches his dick. It’s bouncing with Isak’s movements and it makes his mouth flood with saliva when he feels how slick it is. He slides his thumb through the wetness on the tip, making Isak wail with it and he licks behind Isak’s ear to keep his own sounds in. He’s not sure the things threatening to pour out of him would be pretty, so he fights them as they fall out of him.

He finally wraps his entire hand around Isak and starts stroking him. Isak loses his rhythm at that, seems lost to the pleasure Even is providing him, and he’s moaning at the added sensation.

Even tries to fuck up into Isak, tries to get his dick further inside of him, to get more friction, anything. He’s too close to stand Isak just stopping like that.

And Isak lets him, just tightens his grip in Even’s hair and moans _yes, yes_ and Even is _dying_.

He’s straining everything in him to hold back, he can feel it everywhere how close he is now. He tries to think of something else, but it’s just not possible when Isak is sitting in his lap making him feel so good. His hips are working on their own volition, just pushing him closer and closer to the edge, making Isak bounce on his lap again.

Even strokes Isak’s dick at a furious pace, trying to get him to come before him, and he’s cursing Isak’s stamina. He’s too close, he just doesn’t know if he’ll get Isak there with him in time.

“Fuck, Isak. I’m so close, I can’t…” he manages to stutter out between breaths.

Isak just moans at that, and Even can feel him nod against him.

“Yeah, good. Just come, let me feel you,” he says and it’s like that was all his body was waiting for.

He ups the pace just a tad and Isak puts his other hand on his thigh and squeezes.

Isak turns his head again and gets his mouth within reach of Even’s. Isak pushes his tongue inside of Even’s mouth and Even comes like that.

He doesn’t grab onto Isak to push him down on his dick, although his instincts are screaming at him to, instead he tightens his grip around his shoulders and on his dick as he shouts out his orgasm. Isak is panting in his ear and Even’s hips keep working as he shoots into the condom deep inside of him.

Everything blacks out around him, all his senses are homed in on this, on the pleasure that Isak’s ass is providing, how he’s rolling his hips gently to prolong Even’s orgasm.

Each rope of cum is followed by a convulsion that almost hurts his muscles, but the pleasure coursing through his veins makes that easy to ignore and he just focuses everything in him on this, on how Isak lets him have this.

When he’s done, when there’s no more cum in his tingling balls, he just stays there. Clings to Isak, trying to catch his breath, and he feels so much all at once it’s like he could cry from it.

Isak is still against Even and Even still has his hand around Isak’s hard dick, can feel it throbbing, but Isak doesn’t move until Even is ready for more.

As soon as Even can, he starts to roll his forehead against Isak’s shoulder, completely overwhelmed by how much he’s feeling right now.

“Isak, Isak, Isak…” he whispers against his skin reverently, like a prayer, and he doesn’t know how to convey how much he appreciates this.

When he speaks, Isak’s voice is much calmer than it should be, but it makes Even’s chest burst with giddiness.

“If you could start getting me off again, that would be great.”

And Even can’t keep in the burst of laughter that forces out of him and he rolls his forehead, so his lips can reach Isak’s skin and he kisses whatever he can. He tightens his grip on Isak again and strokes him off fast and efficient, wanting Isak to fall over the edge as well.

He puts his chin over Isak’s shoulder again, watches in fascination how his hand is gliding over Isak’s dick, and it’s such a pretty sight. Isak is pouring sounds into his skin and he wants to swallow them up, but he’d rather keep watching Isak’s dick.

Isak tightens his muscles, increases his grip on Even’s thigh and hair to the point where it’s almost painful. The added clench around his still half-hard dick inside of Isak is definitely painful as he’s still so sensitive. But he ignores it, focuses all his energy on Isak.

“Yeah, come on, babe, let me feel you come,” he says in a rough voice and Isak whines at that and starts moving into his strokes.

It’s so goddamn hot watching Isak fall apart like this, he wishes he had perfect memory so that this would always stand out in high definition for him.

And then, without further warning, Isak’s dick jumps in his hand and he starts shooting.

Isak is shaking in his arms and he’s making these high _ah! ah! ah!_ sounds that make Even wish he could go again it’s just so good.

Even keeps stroking him through it, loves how Isak just gives himself over to him completely, giving him control over his pleasure like that. And Isak just keeps shooting. All over the bedspread, all over his and Even’s thighs, all over Even’s hand. And Even just wants to lick it off, wants to rub it into his skin, rub it into Isak’s skin.

When Isak’s done, Even just stills his movements, but lets his hand stay on Isak’s dick.

Isak slumps against him, lets Even hold up all his weight and it’s a grounding feeling how much Isak lets Even have of him.

It’s addictive. Even doesn’t think he’ll ever get enough of this.

He’s high on endorphins and love and he can’t help the happy laughter that spills out of him.

“Isak, fuck! This…”

And there’s so much he wants to say, so much he wishes he could communicate to Isak but his mind draws a blank and he’s left speechless.

“I know,” Isak sighs and melts further into his arms. “I know, baby. I feel it too.”

And Even has to kiss him properly, has to see his smile, which he’s sure is there too. So he pulls out gently and shuffles them around on the bed so they’re lying on their sides, facing each other. Isak immediately throws a leg over Even’s and it just makes Even smile harder.

“I love you,” he says. Because how can he not?

Isak smiles and hides his flushed cheeks in the pillow. And the image he paints like that is almost better than anything else. He looks so content, happy, at ease. _In love_. And all because of Even.

It makes Even feel like the king of the world, like his chest is too small for how fast his heart is beating.

This boy. This _man_. He makes him feel things he didn’t even know he could feel. There’s just so much of it inside of him that it’s almost like he could lose himself in it.

He starts stroking along Isak’s eyebrow, down his cheek, putting the pads of his fingers against the redness on his skin there.

“I really do, you know. Like I’ve never done before,” he whispers into the space between them and Isak makes a sound in his chest.

He scoots closer to Even, close enough that they’re touching everywhere they possibly can.

“I love you so much too, Even,” he finally says before he kisses Even.

And this feels like everything. Like nothing could ever get between them, like it’s always going to be them.

Even feels how this makes his heart settle inside his chest.

It’s always going to be them. Always them.

\--||--

Even’s so fucking late, it’s ridiculous. He had such a hard time leaving the apartment this morning, with Isak all sleep-soft and cute, wearing Even’s clothes. It made him hesitant in a way he’s never felt before, he just wanted to stay and cuddle Isak. Kiss him until his lips would hurt from it.

But Isak is a much better student than he is. He’d basically pushed him out of the apartment, told him to go study, as Even is so fucking far behind on his reading-schedule. If he’s not careful, if he doesn’t pull himself together, he’s going to have real problems actually passing this exam.

It’s just so hard to concentrate when Isak is looking so cute. And when he’s still preoccupied with Andreas and his fucking way of filling his mind with shit. Shit he shouldn’t care about, shit that his mind doesn’t need right now, when he should be focusing on his exam.

So he leaves the apartment for a while to go meet up with one of his study-buddies, Sigrid. Maybe that’ll force him to concentrate, at least. Put some distance between him and Isak and make it harder for him to just go kiss him when the urge overtakes him.

He goes to his favorite coffee-shop next to the campus, one he doesn’t work in, and finds Sigrid already settled in with her books spread out on the table, hard at work.

Even feels terrible for wasting her time like this by being late.

He apologizes profusely and buys her a cup of coffee to make up for it. Thankfully she’s easily appeased by that. They settle in and get to work and Even feels better already.

Maybe he still has a fighting chance of passing this fucking exam.

They work for a couple of hours and Even is for once completely focused. It almost feels like stepping out of a bubble when he resurfaces, his neck sore from bending over the table and his bladder screaming at him. It’s the most concentrated he’s been in forever and he feels so good about it.

He gets up for a bathroom break, and on the way out he quickly checks his phone. He just wants to text Isak saying that he’s been good and that he deserves some kind of reward when he gets home.

But as soon as he looks at the screen, he immediately regrets it.

There’s a message from an unknown number and he doesn’t even have to see it to know who it’s from. Even knows he shouldn’t open it, knows he doesn’t want to see whatever it is, but he does anyway. It’s like he has no choice, his fingers doing it of their own volition.

He instantly wishes he hadn’t. He wishes he could go back in time, just a few seconds so he could’ve deleted it instead. Make sure that he never saw this.

It’s a photo. A photo of Isak, and although his face isn’t in the picture there’s no doubt in Even’s mind. Because Isak is naked, and Even has seen Isak naked too many times now not to recognize him.

Even shuts off his phone before he can see anymore. But when he closes his eyes, it’s still there in great detail behind his eyelids. Every last bit of white skin, every freckle. Every red mark, every bruise. The cum covering the expanse of his chest.

Even can’t stand it. He’s pretty sure that Isak would never agree to such a photo.

Even’s stomach is churning, is threatening to rid him of his breakfast. He feels dizzy from it, almost like he can’t breathe, and he’s starting to shake.

It’s like Andreas knows that Even’s imagination is his own worst enemy, knows that this is enough to make Even lose it. He doesn’t have to say anything, doesn’t have to add words to it, even though he’s done that in the past as well. This image is enough, it’s all Even’s mind needs to start filling out the blanks, to start making up elaborate stories to explain the state Isak is in.

He’s standing in front of the toilets in a coffee shop having a mental breakdown with the most horrifying images flashing before his eyes of Isak being abused in different ways.

Of Isak not saying no, but not saying yes either.

Even doesn’t know how long he stands there. Doesn’t have a good grasp of reality at that moment, feels like he’s slipping through the cracks.

It’s too much.

It’s not until somebody puts a hand on his arm that he breaks out of this nightmare of a daze. He pulls his arm abruptly away, can’t stand being touched with those images in mind, and he’s surprised to find it’s Sigrid when he finally gets his wits about him enough to notice his surroundings.

“Are you alright, Even?” she asks, concerned, and Even just stares back at her.

He’s not, he’s really not, but he’s having a hard time getting his mouth to work.

He knows he must look a mess, can feel how clammy his skin is, and swallows thickly trying to get his mouth to work again.

“Did you get some bad news?” she asks, putting her hand on his arm again and it’s making his skin crawl.

He doesn’t want to seem impolite by pushing her off again, so he lets it stay there. But it’s not a comfort, it’s a brand of distress, constantly reminding him of its unwelcome presence.

He manages to nod at her, he’s pretty sure that that’s the right way to respond to her question. At least he’s responding, which is more than he thought he’d be capable of.

He knows that he can’t stay here anymore. He’s suffocating, needs to get out. Needs to have some fresh air in his lungs, pretty sure that that will help.

“I…” he starts and clears his throat trying to make it easier for him to continue. “I need to go.”

Thankfully she just nods at him and helps him gather his things. She’s being really gracious about it, and Even is so fucking grateful for it, knows that he’ll have to buy her a cup of coffee or something the next time he sees her to thank her.

She doesn’t ask any questions, which he wouldn’t know how to answer anyway, and with her help he’s ready to leave a few minutes later.

He doesn’t quite remember how he tells her goodbye, but he finds himself standing still on the street outside the coffee shop a few moments later. He lets himself stand there and breathe, closes his eyes to the warmth of the sun and the sounds on the street.

He’s alright. Isak’s alright.

Isak’s at home studying, waiting for him. He tries to calm his beating heart with that, tries to tell it that everything is fine.

They’re safe.

But somehow, it doesn’t quite work to calm him down the way he hoped it would.

 

 

 


	2. Play it back and press rewind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, buckle up kids! This one is going to be a doozy, so consider yourself warned. Heed the tags and take care of yourself! <3
> 
> I'll see you on the other side. :)

“Even, have you seen my blue jacket?” Isak yells through the apartment and even from the kitchen Even can hear how he’s bulldozing through the bedroom looking for it.

Even takes a second to think as he pours hot water over the teabag in his mug, and then he shouts back.

“Yeah, you had it with you the last time you went to your place.”

He can hear Isak curse all the way into the kitchen, where he starts putting his school books into his bag.

“This is such a fucking hassle. I always seem to have the things I need in the other place from where I am.”

He huffs and looks at Even briefly.

“I really hate living in two places, you know?” he says, still packing.

Isak is a whirlwind like this. He’s stressed, has his last exam in a couple of days, and Even leans back onto the counter to not get in his way.

Isak is going to his study group to go through the final things before his exam and it’s clear that he’s worried about this one.

Even is sure he shouldn’t be. Isak is by far the most intelligent person he’s ever met. He’ll do brilliantly. But Even understands that Isak still feels nervous about his exams, just as anybody would.

As soon as Isak is finished throwing the books into his bag he looks around as if to see if he’s missed anything. Even goes to the fridge and pulls out the lunch he made for Isak.

“I made you this,” Even says and holds it out.

Isak stops his frantic movements and looks confused between the offering and Even. And then he just steps around the lunch pack, right into Even, and kisses the shit out of him.

When he pulls back Even feels dazed and out of breath, but Isak doesn’t go far.

He looks at Even in a way that Even can’t remember him ever doing before. He’s contemplative and has a frown on his forehead like he’s deciding something.

“I want to move in with you,” he ends up saying after a long pause.

Even raises his eyebrows and smiles, but he’s not sure if Isak is really serious.

Isak nods and his face breaks out into a smile.

“Let me move in with you!” he says, like he’s just getting used to the idea himself, and leans in to kiss Even again.

Even lets him, but he’s not really sure how much he’s contributing to the kiss. He’s confused and wants to know if Isak means it. It’s not really like him to joke about these things, but this is like one of Even’s dreams come true, he’s been waiting for the right time to ask, so he can’t really fathom what Isak’s saying. That he’s saying _that_.

“What?” Even asks intelligently.

He wants to swallow his tongue, he wants a do-over. He wants to say yes.

But Isak just smiles even wider and puts his arms around Even.

“Yeah. Imagine how good that would be us living here together. No backup, no other place. Just you and me, here.”

He looks so happy about it, and Even feels like he’s in a dream. He’s not sure if this is actually happening.

“Are you serious?” he asks, and he hates how incredulous his voice sounds, like he doesn’t really want to, and he’s waiting for Isak to turn insecure.

“Holy fuck do I want to!” Isak says, laughing, and just pushes himself against Even, pulls him into his arms completely, and Even can feel how he laughs with his entire body.   

“Say yes,” Isak whispers against his cheek, and Even does so immediately. He doesn’t have to think about it, or pause. It’s the easiest word he’s ever uttered in his life.

“Yes.”

And Isak laughs against him and pulls back to kiss him, and the kiss is searing and passionate and Even is so in love that he can barely stand it.

“Jesus Christ, yes, yes, yes!” Even mutters against Isak’s lips, making him laugh even harder and it’s like music to Even’s ears.

He wants to stay in this moment forever, for the rest of his life. With his body tingling and his mind about to burst from happiness.

Isak pulls back to look at him. He has a gleam in his eyes that Even has never seen on him before, and he really doesn’t want to let him go. He wants to take him into the bedroom and fuck him senseless. Kiss him until his lips fall off.

Isak’s smile turns smaller, but no less radiant. It’s his fond smile, the one that he only uses on Even and Even just melts a bit more.

“I don’t want to leave you now,” he says and Even can tell. “But I have to go, I have to.”

Even fights dirty. He kisses him before the words have really left his mouth and turns them around, so he can press Isak against the kitchen counter.

He’s about to up the ante by lifting Isak up to sit on it, and just the thought of it makes his dick ache, but Isak pushes him gently away.

“We’ll continue this later. I really have to go,” he says. He doesn’t sound happy about it and he’s even pouting a bit.

Even can’t bring himself to pull back from Isak, stays real close to him as Isak slides along the cabinets, out from the enclosure of Even’s arms.

“We’ll definitely continue this later,” Even says, making sure that his voice is low and rough, just the way Isak likes it.

He feels justified when he notices how hard Isak swallows and how his gaze lingers on Even’s lips a bit too long, before he seemingly shakes himself out of it.

He grabs his bag by the table, leans in to peck Even quickly as he takes the lunch that’s somehow still in Even’s hand.

“Thank you,” he says, looking straight into Even’s eyes and Even doesn’t quite know what he’s thanking him for. It could be a number of things, but Even will take all of them.

As he leaves Even in the kitchen he makes a salute with his fingers by his forehead and Even smiles at that. He’s still standing there in a daze when he hears the front door slam behind Isak.

He’s not quite sure what just happened, but he knows he likes it.

\--||--

Even’s standing in line at the coffee shop, on his way to the last session with his study group before the exam. He’s so pitifully unprepared that if he doesn’t go to this one, he’s pretty sure he’s going to fail.

He just fucking needs a cup of good coffee to make it through the next couple of hours, so he’s able to concentrate. He needs to remember every word they say today, or he’s doomed.

He probably is anyway.

But everything stops when he sees _him_ outside the coffee shop through the window.

Even forgets about exams and professors and his own stupid expectations while he’s looking at him. And without really thinking about it, Even finds himself leaving the line.

He heads outside and follows him when he sees him walking down the street.

Even isn’t really sure what he’s doing or what he’s going to do when he catches up with the guy.

It’s one of Andreas’ friends, one of the guys who’s always hanging around him when Andreas finds Even. And at this point Even is so desperate for Andreas to stop messaging him that he’s willing to do just about anything.

He fucking hates how much Andreas is interfering with his life, he just can’t stand it a second longer. So when he does catch up to Andreas’ friend, he grabs his arm and says, “Hey!”

The guy turns easily and it’s clear to see that he doesn’t recognize Even right away.

“I’m sorry for just grabbing you like that, but I need you to pass something along to Andreas for me,” Even says.

He knows he sounds angry and it’s not really this guy’s fault that his friend is a piece of shit, but Even’s so done with it all.  

“Oh,” the guy says and his entire demeanor changes, from slightly hostile to embarrassed. “I’m so sorry about this whole thing.”

Even nods. “Look, just tell him to stop harassing me, okay? I don’t want his stupid messages anymore.”

The guy nods and swallows. “He’s not normally like this, okay? He’s really an alright guy, but he has this thing for Isak.”

It makes Even stand to full height and take a step towards him. He doesn’t care one bit how threatening that makes him look or how fucking stupid it is for him to become this angry all of a sudden. He just needs this to stop.

“I really don’t care what he’s like. Didn’t you hear me? He’s fucking harassing me!”

The guy puts out his hands to calm Even down.

“I’m sorry. I’ll tell him,” he says, and he looks genuine enough for Even to calm down a bit.

But he can’t help but ask anyway. “What’s his problem anyway? Why is he after Isak and me like this?”

The guy huffs out a jaded laugh and shifts on his feet.

“Andreas and Isak, well, that’s a long story,” he starts and glances at Even. “Andreas has always been so weird about him. I don’t know why he’s after you, but he can be such a selfish bastard at times. He probably can’t stand the idea of Isak being with anybody else.”

And what the hell is Even supposed to say to that? That’s probably the worst kind of excuse.

“Yeah, selfish bastard. That’s one way to say it.”

He doesn’t even try to hide the disdain in his voice, not ashamed to show this guy how done he’s with this.

He looks at Even, like he’s waiting for Even to have more to say, but he doesn’t. He’s deflating, his anger is slowly leaving him, and he doesn’t want to talk to this guy anymore.

It’s difficult to find a good way to step away from him though, it’s so hard for Even to be impolite. But he’s done what he can now, and he can only hope that the words of a friend will be able to get Andreas to stop.

Even’s not sure he can keep going like this anymore.

\--||--

Even’s last exam is on a fucking Friday of all days. He’s completely exhausted after it’s done, he feels like he hasn’t seen the sun in a month and he’s just ready to call it a day and bury himself in his bed at home.

He isn’t even sure about how well he did. He’s been such a mess, even during the exam, his concentration completely shot, his mind _everywhere_ all at once. Honestly, he’ll be happy if he gets just a passing grade. At least then he’ll be able to move on, and pretend this never happened.

He’s in dire need of a shower and something to eat as he leaves the examination room along with everyone else. They all look a mix between relieved and exhausted.

He has plans with Isak though.

Isak’s last exam was a few days ago and he’s been laying low ever since, giving Even room to study. Even is grateful for it, but he misses Isak so much and he really doesn’t feel like going out. But he knows how much Isak has looked forward to this and he still struggles with saying no to Isak, if he’s really honest.

On the tram he takes out his phone, has finally decided to text Isak to tell him that he’s not going. But as he turns on his phone a few messages show up, all from Isak.

They start with a _good luck xxx_ and end with a _I just handed in the termination of the lease on my apartment. It’s really happening babe! I’m moving in next month!!_

Even stares at it for too long. It makes him so happy that they’re taking this step. It feels like a really big deal, even more so as it was Isak who asked. It means so much to him, to know that Isak is just as in this as he is.

Isak must’ve seen that Even has seen his messages because his phone dings with a new one. He looks down at his screen.

_We’re at Jonas’. Go home and take a nap and then join us when you’re ready, babe. <3 _ 

Even can’t help but smile down at the phone. Sometimes it’s like Isak lives in his mind alongside him. He ends up sending Isak a heart back, and lets the relief of the day settle in him.

\--||--

It’s amazing how much better Even feels as he leaves the apartment a few hours later. He’s had a long shower, a huge meal and a long nap, and now he’s ready to take on the world again.

He’s on his way to Jonas’ and he’s sure that Isak will be the only sober person there at this point.

They must’ve been at it for hours by now, everybody celebrating the end of exams. It’s always strange being the last to arrive to these sorts of things. He’s always too sober and alert when he’s surrounded by drunk people like that. It always makes him feel like he’s standing out, like he’s the strange one. It’s such a relief that Isak’s there with him now. It’s so much more fun being sober when you’re not the only one.

He’s right. When he gets to Jonas’ the place is a mess.

People are already really drunk, and he’s not sure that this pregame is ever really going to go anywhere, whether people aren’t already too out of it to actually move on.

He walks through the apartment slowly, looking for Isak or Jonas or anyone else he knows. He finds Magnus in the living room and he points towards the bathroom which Even finds incredibly weird.

Once there he’s met with quite the sight. He opens the door and is quickly called inside where Isak is sitting in the bathtub next to Jonas who’s drinking beer and looks incredibly wasted. Isak looks at Even with bright eyes and a smile, and he’s clearly just as sober as Even.

Even is so fucking proud of him. He can’t believe how far Isak’s come, how much better he is now. He can’t believe that Isak can go to a party like this and not drink or smoke. It just makes something inside Even tighten and he loves Isak so, so much.

Isak gets out of the bathtub and whispers a _hi_ before he kisses him. Even wants to disappear into the kiss. He’s missed Isak so much, he just wants to be alone with him. So he clings to him a bit harder than he normally would and Isak lets him.

Their kiss goes on for too long, according to Jonas, because he throws a towel at them and complains.

“Stop that! Think about your poor friend whose girlfriend hasn’t arrived yet.”

But he’s smiling and is clearly objecting just for the sake of it. It makes them break apart though, and Isak turns to Jonas to talk crap back at him.

Even lets them banter, knows that’s what they do best, knows that they love their smack-talk, but Even’s stuck on Isak.

He looks so good like this, so _alive_ , and Even thinks it’s a little bit unfair that he has to share him with the world. He just wants to lean into him, to find that spot where his neck turns to shoulder that smells so good and is a little bit ticklish. Even wants to stand there with his arms around Isak and just breathe him in, just feel him against him.

“Do you want something to drink, babe?” Isak asks and Even realizes that he’s forgotten to bring something. He’s kind of thirsty though, so he nods at Isak and leans in to kiss him once more before he lets him disappear out of the bathroom.

He’s left with Jonas who keeps side-eying him while he’s smiling. Even pretends he doesn’t notice it and sits down on the floor up against the wall opposite the bathtub.

“You know we used to do this a lot?” Jonas asks and Even raises an eyebrow to show he’s listening.

“We used to always go smoke and drink in the bathroom when we were younger, before…” and his voice tapers off and he looks down at his beer bottle like he’s ashamed. “You guys look really happy together,” he says instead, and looks at Even.

“We are,” Even says and can’t help the smile that breaks out talking about Isak.

“I’m really happy that he met you. He was bad, before…” and once again Jonas’ voice dies off, like he’s too ashamed to finish that sentence.

Even wants to ask him, is so goddamn curious about what happened between them, how they reconnected. All that happened while Even was pre-manic and he wasn’t really paying too much attention to things going on around him. Not like that, anyway.

But he doesn’t ask Jonas. Somehow that feels like something he should talk to Isak about and he doesn’t want to pry.

Jonas must sense his curiosity though, as he starts talking on his own.

“Can you believe he just forgave me?” he asks and leans back in the tub, rests his head on the edge. He looks at Even out the corner of his eye. “He didn’t put up a fight, just accepted my apology.”

And he sounds like he can’t really believe it. But that makes Even take notice.

“Would you rather he didn’t?” he has to ask, although he’s pretty sure that that’s not what Jonas is saying.

He looks up at Even in surprise and immediately says, “No. No, man. I’m so happy that he did!”

That settles something inside Even, makes his initial impression about Jonas seem justified.

“I just…” Jonas says and licks his lips, like he’s trying to find the right words. “Look, Isak and me we used to be real tight. And I could see that he was falling apart but he didn’t want to talk to me. And I just kind of let him.” He starts peeling the label of the beer he’s holding, like his fingers need something to do while he’s talking. “I kept thinking that it was his choice, that he would come to me when he was ready. But the thing is that at some point we hadn’t talked in so long that I wasn’t really a possibility for him anymore. When I realized that, he’d already found new friends and a boyfriend and I didn’t even know he was gay.”

He stops and takes a deep breath and looks right at Even. Even stays still, is so curious about this and so happy that Jonas is finally telling him something.

“The worst part is that I could see how unhappy he was. But I kept thinking that he would come to me, even though I kind of knew he wouldn’t at that point. I still can’t believe I fucked him over like that. I was his best friend, Even. And I just wasn’t there for him when he needed me.”

Even studies him. Jonas looks so sad as he’s sitting there, he’s folded in on himself and he almost looks close to tears. Even doesn’t really like that he’s telling him all this while he’s drunk. He’s not sure that he would if he wasn’t.

“Maybe you need him to forgive you for that, then. Just as much as he needs to forgive you,” is Even’s response.

And it’s much deeper than he should be able to master right now with how tired he is, but it’s what comes out of his mouth.

Jonas looks at him, surprised, and says in a very serious voice. “I will never be able to forgive myself for not trying harder. For just letting Isak slip away like that. Never.”

Even is just about to open his mouth to say something in reply, though he’s not really sure what, because what can he possibly say to that? But he’s interrupted by Isak opening the door and saying cheerfully, “There was only coke left, I hope that’s alright.”

He stops in the doorway, eyes flitting between Even and Jonas, and narrows his eyes at them.

“What were you guys talking about?” he asks suspiciously.

Jonas and Even exchange looks and end up shrugging almost simultaneously as Even says “my exam” at the same time as Jonas says “the party.” They look at each other in surprise and laugh.

In the end, Isak sits down next to Even on the floor, puts his hands on his thigh, and ignores their laughter.

\--||--

Surprisingly, they actually do manage to break up the party at some point to migrate to a bar in the city. Even’s been there a couple of times before and he really just wants to go home, but Isak is looking at him with those eyes and keeps touching him and kissing him and honestly. Even will never be able to say no to him when he’s like that.

So he tags along.

When they get there the music is already too loud, people are too drunk, and there’s too many people in the bar. But Even can ignore all those things as Isak keeps close to him at all times. He’s constantly touching him in some way even if he’s talking to other people.

Isak is clearly enjoying himself. And Even’s heart swells seeing Isak like this, sober and free and smiling. It’s the best kind of Isak there is, in Even’s humble opinion.

But as the evening wears on he’s really getting tired, and it gets harder and harder to ignore that even with Isak standing next to him. He doesn’t want to leave without Isak and he doesn’t want to ask him to leave, but he needs some space.

He ends up telling Isak that he needs some air and it’s such a fucking relief to step out of the bar and onto the sidewalk.

He takes a few steps down the street, just to get away from the smokers so he can catch his breath and enjoy the relative quiet. He closes his eyes for a few seconds to center himself and feel the calmness inside of him.

He’s interrupted by the voice of the last person he wants to deal with today.

“Look who we have here,” Andreas says and Even turns around to face him and a couple of his friends, including the guy from a few days ago.

Even’s weary and just in no fucking mood for this, but Andreas doesn’t care. He never does.

“I saw you two come in, you look so cute together,” Andreas says.

He’s clearly drunk and his friends actually look kind of embarrassed behind him. The guy that Even’s talked to is pulling at Andreas’ sleeve, obviously trying to indicate to him that they should just leave. It seems Andreas’ friends are just as tired of him and his stupid obsession with Isak as Even is.

“Oh my god!” Even groans. “You’re fucking everywhere.”  

He hates how that makes Andreas smirk at him.

“What do you want?” Even asks in a low, tired voice.

All the anger from a few days ago has left him, and he’s just so _tired_. He’s contemplating just going inside again so he doesn’t have to deal with Andreas.

But Andreas is clearly having none of that as he takes a step closer to Even, looks him up and down in that way he does that always makes Even feel dirty and sticky. He hates it.

“You know, Isak’s always been so easy, always so slutty for my dick. Are you the same? Do you also spread your legs for anybody who tells you that you have a pretty mouth?”

And it’s almost like he’s expecting an answer, but Even doesn’t have one for him. He learned a long time ago that the way you deal with bullies is not to react, but it does make his anger resurface and he can’t help clenching his fists and jaw and it’s taking a lot of effort to hold himself back.

Andreas steps closer and takes the lapel of Even’s denim jacket between his fingers, running his hand down the length of it and says in the most casual of ways, “You know. I’ve always wondered if the reason you’re together is because you discovered the secret of how to get Isak to do things.” He looks Even right in the eyes as he continues, “You know, the way that he’ll do most things for you if you don’t ask? I learned early on that when it comes to Isak, you don’t ask things of him, you _order_ him to do it.”

Even feels the fight leave him, even as adrenalin is rushing through him and he’s staring wide-eyed at Andreas. It’s like Andreas is in his head, speaking his worst fears. Because Even knows, he _knows_ , and he’s taken advantage of the fact several times and he’s so fucking ashamed of it. Even is fucking _horrified_ at himself.  

Andreas must see it on him as well, because he smiles in that sleazy way he does, like he’s pleased he’s found a way to chip at Even’s armor.

“You have!” he continues, sounding so fucking satisfied and Even feels like his world is crumbling around him.

What has he done? What kind of monster is he that he’s done that to Isak? He’s been doing the exact same thing that Andreas has, how can he think that he’s any better for Isak than Andreas?

Andreas takes a step closer to Even, getting close enough that he only has to whisper as he says, “It's good, right? You don't even know how many things I’ve gotten him to do by just ordering him to do them.”

Even can’t stop the sound that comes out of his mouth, he’s nauseous and he feels like he’s _dying_. He doesn’t want to know. He can’t stand that this pathetic excuse of a man has ever been let near his boyfriend and his mind is whirling with the possibilities, images flashing through his mind, horrible, terrifying images of Isak doing things and he closes his eyes to it all.

It’s too much.

He can hear Andreas’ intake of breath, braces himself for him to continue, but before Andreas can he’s interrupted by Isak’s voice saying, “What’s going on here?”

Andreas turns around immediately, smiles at Isak like he didn’t just turn Even’s world upside down and Even can barely open his eyes to look at Isak.

He feels wrong, like his skin is too small for his body. His fingertips are tingling and he feels so dirty. He feels like he needs another shower, just from being in Andreas’ vicinity.

“Isak! Always a pleasure,” Andreas says, but Isak doesn’t answer, just looks over Andreas’ shoulder at Even and Even swallows down the spit in his mouth.

It’s hard to do, makes him feel even more nauseous, and he can’t meet Isak’s eyes. Can’t let him see him like this.

“What’s going on?” Isak repeats and his voice sounds so much harder now.

“I was just talking to your handsome boyfriend here, telling him how much of a catch you are. How lucky he is,” Andreas says, but there’s this undertone to his voice that makes Even’s skin crawl even more and makes him look at the back of Andreas’ head. Makes him wonder where Andreas is going with this.

“You know, we’ve talked about you a few times now, and I must say I’m impressed with your taste in men, Isak,” Andreas says and takes a few steps closer to Isak.

“You’ve talked about me? With Even?” Isak asks, and although he still sounds angry it’s not hard to hear the cracks of insecurity in his voice.

Even hates it, wants to go to Isak, wants to push Andreas away from him, but he’s frozen to the spot. It’s like there’s no power in his body, like there’s no connection between his brain and his muscles. So he just stands there and lets Isak deal with Andreas by himself. Feeling even more like the coward he is.

Andreas steps into Isak’s space completely, gets much too close for comfort, and it’s clear that it’s a tactic he’s used often as Isak cowers a bit at his nearness.

“You look good, baby,” Andreas says in a low, seductive voice.

He completely ignores Even and his friends even though they’re all clearly uncomfortable with this. With the way he’s acting. He gets even closer to Isak, enough that his nose is touching Isak’s cheek and it hurts to see how small Isak is making himself.

They’re far enough away that Even doesn’t catch what Andreas whispers into Isak’s ear, but it’s obviously something that’s hurtful as Isak closes his eyes and somehow shrinks even more into himself.

And Even can’t look at this anymore, can’t handle seeing Isak like this, so he reaches out on instinct, grabs onto Andreas’ shoulder and pulls him away from Isak.

“Get away from him,” is what comes out of his mouth and he’s kind of surprised that he was able to say even that.

Andreas turns to him, laughs in an overbearing kind of way.

“No, _you_ leave us alone, Even,” and he spits out Even’s name like it’s something disgusting he can’t bear to have in his mouth. He then turns back to Isak and says, “I’m just getting reacquainted with Isak here, I’m sure we could have some fun, right?”

Isak looks at Even over Andreas’ shoulder and Even isn’t really sure what he sees there, but he doesn’t like it. It makes his stomach churn harder, and he knows that he can’t be a coward anymore. Not with this.

He grabs at Andreas’ shoulder again to pull him off, and he might’ve pulled a bit harder than he intended, because Andreas almost loses his balance with it. While he straightens himself he starts to look more threatening, but Even isn’t backing down this time.

“I _said_ , get away from him!” This time his voice is louder and surer and he clenches his fists again.

Andreas notices and smiles that smile.

“Are you going to fight me, Even?” he asks and it’s clear where he gets his confidence from.

Although Even is taller than him, Andreas is much wider and has a more muscular build. There’s no doubt in Even’s mind that he’s going to get a beating, but he isn’t letting that stop him.

He takes a step towards Andreas and says through clenched teeth, “No. Not if you walk away now.”

And he sounds so convincing. Like he’s actually been in a fight before, which he hasn’t, but he’s not backing down now.

Andreas takes another step towards him, making himself bigger, eyes locked on Even’s, but they both stop when they hear Isak’s voice.

“Andreas, stop.”

Andreas turns around in disbelief, but Even doesn’t take his eyes off him, doesn’t trust him not to use this diversion to his advantage.

“Did you say something, Isak?” he asks, his voice eerily chilly, and Even hates that Andreas thinks he can talk to Isak in that way.

But Isak surprises Even. He breathes in, stands up straight and looks Andreas right in the eye.

“I told you to stop. Leave Even alone.”

And Even’s chest bursts with pride and love for Isak in that moment. Watching him making a stand against this ridiculous excuse of a man makes him so, so happy he doesn’t even have words for it.

“What?” Andreas laughs in disbelief. “Are _you_ the one who’s going to make me stop?”

Isak takes a step towards him, looking threatening and all the hotter for it. _He’s_ clearly been in some fights, clearly knows how to handle these types of situations, and Even hates himself a little for liking this side of Isak.

“If I have to,” Isak says in this deliciously calm voice.

He’s not taking his eyes off Andreas either, watching every twitch of his muscles like a hawk, clearly trying to figure out his next move.

But nobody could have predicted what Andreas’ does next, because he sneers at Isak and turns around fast enough that Even barely has time to register it, and then he’s on Even.

Even’s nose explodes with agony, tears immediately springing to his eyes, and the pain is so blinding that he barely notices anything else. He stumbles backwards in surprise, trying to keep his balance, but before he knows it, Andreas is shoving him, hard enough for Even to fall and land on his ass.

He looks up at Andreas in shock, his hand already covering his bloody nose. It hurts like a motherfucker, pain radiating from his nose to his entire face and he can barely keep his eyes open.

He somehow manages to though, a gleeful sort of pleasure rushing through him as he sees Isak take action. It all happens so fast, but he’s pretty sure that he sees Isak all but jumping Andreas, turning him around to get a good punch in, two, three, before Andreas manages to break free from Isak.

They stand there, a couple of steps away from each other, both breathing hard and their eyes locked on each other. Andreas’ nose is bleeding as well now, but he doesn’t try to cover it up, just lets the blood drip down onto his white polo shirt. He’s a mess in seconds.

Isak is a revelation. His shoulders are squared, his entire being is poised to attack and Even has never seen anything more beautiful in his life.

They stand there like that in front of each other as the seconds tick by. Even’s not sure how much time actually passes, could be seconds, could be minutes, but eventually it’s Andreas who backs off.

He loosens his stance, takes a couple of steps back and smiles at Isak, teeth read with blood. He glances at Even quickly and Even hates this unaffected front Andreas puts on.

He wants to see him suffer, he wants to see him in pain. Not this, not this stupid facade where he’s just seemingly pretending nothing happened. Although he’s covered in blood, although he’s still visibly shaking. Even hates him even more for not giving Isak the satisfaction.

Even slowly gets up and goes over to Isak. He stands behind him, puts his hand on Isak’s back so he can feel he’s there, and it surprises him to feel how much Isak is shaking under his hand.

“Well, as much fun as this has been,” Andreas says and spits out blood on the sidewalk. “I’m going to go now.”

Even looks at him with disdain. This is probably the lowest kind of human being he’s ever had the misfortune of meeting.

“I don’t ever want to see you harassing Even or me again. Do you understand, Andreas?”

Isak’s voice is so low and threatening that the hairs on the back of Even’s neck rise with it. He’s glad Isak’s never spoken to him like that. He’s really scary in his intensity.

But Andreas just smiles at him in that sleazy way, his teeth still covered in blood, still making no move to stop the bleeding from his nose. He’s just about to say something, something that Even is sure would make it hard for Isak to hold back from hitting him again, but instead Andreas’ friend, the one that Even talked to the other day, butts in.

“Come on, dude. Don’t do this.”

Andreas’ friends are all standing to the side, clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation, clearly over Andreas acting like a douche. It does make Andreas stop, thankfully.

He looks at them and suddenly it’s like he has another place to direct his anger. He’s probably wondering why they didn’t back him up, and after some tense seconds, Andreas storms off without looking at Isak or Even, making sure to push at Isak with his shoulder as he passes him.

Isak takes it, but the push makes his shoulders slump a bit and he seems much less hard around the edges as he looks at Andreas’ friends.

They’re left standing there, looking embarrassed and so uncomfortable it’s almost making Even’s insides shrivel up.

“Sorry, Isak,” the guy Even’s talked to before says, and they all nod at him in acknowledgment before they turn around to leave, following Andreas.

It’s not until they’re out of sight that Isak slumps completely, his entire body just seemingly folding up on himself. Even has never seen him smaller.

“Isak?” he asks as he slowly turns him around with his hands on Isak’s shoulders.

When Isak is finally facing him, Even’s heart breaks completely. He’s never seen anyone look so defeated in his life. Isak certainly doesn’t look like someone who just faced their asshole ex and came out on top.

Even has a strong hold on Isak’s shoulders, afraid that if he lets go Isak will fall over. He looks like he’s exhausted to the point of collapse and Even can clearly feel him shaking under his hands

“Isak, that was…” Even starts to say, but Isak interrupts him in the lowest of voices, just barely more than a whisper. “Is it true?”

Isak isn’t looking at him but down, like he’s ashamed or afraid. Even just wants to scoot him up in his arms and hold him tight to make him realize that he’s loved.

“Isak…” Even says instead, trying to get his attention.

But when Isak finally looks up at him, Even wishes he hadn’t. His eyes are angry, shooting daggers at Even, and it’s making Even realize how strong Isak is. He’s already faced one asshole, now he’s ready to face the next.

“I asked you if he was telling the truth. Have you been talking to him behind my back?”

His voice isn’t low and unsure anymore. Instead it’s steady and hard and it’s clear that he’s not fucking around. He wants answers. He wants answers that Even isn’t ready to give. Doesn’t want to give.

“I wouldn’t say _talked_ ,” he starts, wanting to draw it out, give himself time to think of some kind of explanation that won’t end with Isak getting angry with him.

Isak turns his body fully towards him and he’s standing at full height again, his shoulders squared. But he doesn’t look threatening like he did only minutes ago with Andreas, just determined. Like he’s not going anywhere without answers.

“Just… Can we go home so I can explain?” Even says, gesturing to his nose and the mess that is his face, but Isak just scoffs at him.

“I don’t think I can go home with you right now.” He looks at Even. His eyes are sad now, but he still looks so goddamn determined and Even can’t help but feel proud of him. “If you can’t give me an explanation right here, right now, I can’t go home with you.”

Even looks at him for a long time, his mind raking through what he could possibly say. The thing is, he doesn’t have a good explanation. He doesn’t really know what to say to Isak. He should have told him. He should have told him from the start what Andreas was doing.

It was his choice not to.

As the silence stretches between them it’s clear that the fight is leaving Isak. He’s slowly collapsing in on himself, and the way he looks at Even makes it hard for him to breathe.

“Isak. I love you,” Even says and reaches for him.

But Isak turns and pulls away from him, out of his reach.

“I know, Even. I know. But I don’t know if that’s enough.”

Tears spring to Even’s eyes immediately and he takes a step towards Isak.

“Let me explain, baby. Let me… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I’m sorry I’ve been so stupid, just let me explain.” And Even is two seconds away from breaking out in full-body sobs.

Isak looks at him, doesn’t seem to really register the words pouring from Even’s mouth.

He’s eerily calm as he says, “Just tell me this. Do you know who Andreas is?”

Even nods immediately. He realized a long time ago.

“Has he told you how much he fucked me over?”

Even hesitates at this before he answers.

“Some of it.”

Isak nods and looks away. It’s almost a relief not to be under his scrutiny anymore, but at the same time Even misses his attention. Wants desperately to have his eyes back on him.

He’s just about to open his mouth to say something, anything, to fix that, but Isak beats him to it.

“I don’t know if you know this, but it’s always been a truth to me. The fact that you don’t lie,” he looks up at Even shortly to gauge his reaction, but he must not like what he sees because he looks away immediately.

“That was always such a beacon for me, a way to measure myself against the standard. It’s been so helpful, and it’s made it so easy to trust you. Because you were always so open with me.”

Even doesn’t stop the tears that are falling. He’s afraid he’s ruined it all, that this is too much of a betrayal for Isak to bear.

“Honestly, Even? I don’t think I’m able to hear your explanation right now.” He sighs, and he still won’t look at Even. “I’m going to sleep at Jonas’ and I’ll come home tomorrow, and we’ll talk, okay?”

Even is really crying now, but he hears what Isak is saying.

“You’ll come home tomorrow?”

Isak finally looks at Even and the way his eyes glide over his face feels like a physical touch.

“Yes. I’ll come home tomorrow. I just need a little space tonight.”

Even nods and follows him with his eyes as he goes back into the bar, presumably to get Jonas.

Even is lost. He’s so fucking lost.

Standing here alone on the sidewalk, blood on his face and hands. He’s never felt more alone, more wrong.

He knows he deserves it, though.

He deserves whatever’s coming to him. He knows he’s in the wrong on this one. There are so many things he’s held back from Isak, but he didn’t know. He didn’t know how much his honesty meant to Isak.

It’s his own goddamn fault for not respecting that, for breaking that trust. He always thinks he knows better. He knows that this is his wake-up call, this is the only chance he’ll get to stop treating Isak like a child.

If only Isak will give him one more chance, he’ll show him that he knows better now.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. I know, and I'm sorry, but this needed to happen. You are welcome to shout at me in the comments.... <3 <3


	3. We’ve been making shades of purple out of red and blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So. This is the last chapter of the last part of Rearranged. What a ride, Jesus Christ!
> 
> THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to all of you, for wanting to read this labor of love, and for enjoying it. I’m just so, so happy with how well you’ve received it. When I hear how much of an impact it’s had on some of you, it just makes me feel so humble and grateful, and makes me love writing even more. <3 <3 
> 
> I have so many people to thank that I put it in the end notes so you all could get to reading.
> 
> I hope you enjoy! <3

Even gets home in a daze.

He’s not really sure how he gets there, but he’s so happy that he does. He’s standing in front of the sink, washing the blood of his face, trying to avoid touching his nose too much. It still hurts like a motherfucker and he hisses his way through cleaning it up, gently touching the bridge of it, trying to find out if it’s broken.

Thankfully, it doesn’t seem like it is. He supposes he has to be grateful for small mercies, but he almost feels numb about it. Like somehow it wouldn’t be so bad if it was, like he’d deserve it.

He already misses Isak like crazy. Misses him standing next to him by the sink, brushing his teeth with him.

He can’t believe he’s not there with him. That he’s put himself, them, in a position where this is something that he might have to get used to. He’s not really sure how he’s going to be able to do that. How he’s going to figure out to be alone again.

He honestly doesn’t think he can.

He can feel his eyes burn with tears threatening to spill over, but he doesn’t want to cry. Not yet. Not until he’s talked to Isak, told him everything he wants to hear. And if that’s not enough, then he’ll cry.

Although he’s not really sure that that word will cover what it is he’ll be doing if Isak doesn’t want to be with him after this.

If he thought what Andreas was putting him through made his stomach churn and his heart clench, it’s nothing compared to how he’s feeling now. His insides are chaos and he can’t pinpoint a single emotion, everything is swirling around in him, filling him up. Making it impossible for him to relax or sit down.

He finds himself pacing the living room, stopping occasionally to look out the window.

His mind is a mess and his nose hurts badly, and he just knows that he won’t be getting any sleep tonight.

He’s so angry with himself, for letting this go on for so long. For always pretending to know what’s best for them, what’s best for Isak. Clearly, he doesn’t know shit. And he should’ve trusted Isak enough to tell him.

He keeps going back to that. If he’d only told Isak what was going on. If he’d shown him all the messages and talked to him about every encounter, then this would be something they would be going through together. Isak would be with him, and he would be able to support Isak through this as well.

He fucked up. He fucked up big time.

Time passes slowly that night, and Even’s awake for most of it, too restless and troubled to be able to sleep.

\--||--

When Isak finally shows up the next day it’s almost anti-climactic.

He’s too calm, too quiet, and Even doesn’t quite know what to make of it, nerves already shot and heart a mess.

He waits for Isak to take off his jacket and shoes and notices that he doesn’t put them where he usually does, but to the side, as if he’s only visiting.

It makes Even swallow hard, makes him want to lean down and right it. But he doesn’t, he lets Isak set the pace.

It’s weird.

It shouldn’t be. They’re so used to each other by now that it shouldn’t be. But it is.

Even hates it. This unease that’s between them. The way they aren’t really looking at each other, but at the same time constantly stealing glances at each other.

Even can’t figure out if Isak’s angry or sad, his face is the same blank canvas that it used to be in the beginning. Like he’s afraid to reveal his hand, like this is some kind of game.

Even hates that as well.

What’s going on in Isak’s head? Is he here to break up with him? Will he ever trust Even again?

Even has been trying to think of something to say since Isak left him last night, but he’s stuck. He knows he’s fucked up, knows he needs to apologize. But at the same time, he’s almost relieved that it’s finally out there.

He understands now how hard it’s been for him to live up to Isak’s expectations. How much effort he’s put into maintaining this image Isak’s had of him. He hates the pedestal he’s been put up on, but at the same time he liked being there. Liked being the one in control for once.

But he knows that being placed there isn’t fair to him. Or to Isak for that matter. It’s unfair for Isak to try to live up to some fucking standard that nobody’s able to live up to. So it’s good that they’re finally forced to talk about this.

Even finishes pouring the coffee for them and they sit down at the kitchen table opposite each other.

The silence is even worse like this. There’s nothing to do except to fiddle with their coffee cups, so they’re just sitting there and Even is losing his mind trying to think of something to say, something to start with, as the silence stretches between them, slowly turning awkward and uncomfortable.

In the end he just forces himself to say something, anything.

“I’m sorry you had to find out through Andreas like that.”

It’s almost painful having Isak’s eyes on him completely after saying that, and Isak keeps quiet and purses his lips, making it obvious to Even that he’s getting angry.

“I hate that he could surprise you with something I should’ve told you about.”

Isak huffs and it’s clear that he’s getting angrier with every word Even is saying.

“I can’t believe you lied to me like that.”

He’s not looking at Even anymore, but to the side, arms crossed. Everything about him screams petulance. It’s hard not to be affected by it and it makes Even’s voice a little bit louder as he talks again.

“I thought I was protecting you.”

“Well, I don’t fucking need your protection, Even!” Isak shouts and it’s loud in the stillness of the kitchen.

Even sits up straight, can feel himself getting defensive even as he’s trying to calm down. He doesn’t want this to escalate.

“You don’t understand the hell I’ve been going through these last few months keeping this from you,” Even starts and he’s deliberately keeping his voice calm, but he’s interrupted by Isak scoffing at him.

“Yeah, you’re right. I should feel so sorry for you, with how hard it’s been for you to lie to me,” he says in the most condescending, mocking tone Even has ever heard from him.

It makes him clench his teeth and makes it really hard for him to remain calm. He continues talking like Isak hadn’t just acted like a little shit.

“Andreas has been sending me messages. He’s been coming up to me and generally done his best to drive me away from you,” he says, still fighting to keep his voice calm.

“Oh, you think that’s hard? Try being with him,” Isak spits out and it’s like he knows all the buttons to push to make sure Even loses it.

But he doesn’t want to, he has to remind himself of that over and over again.

“You have to stop doing that, Isak. You’ve got to let me explain,” he says, and he knows that his voice is carrying his annoyance with it, but he just can’t help it.

“I don’t have to do shit,” Isak says, voice still loud and angry. “You just don’t get it, do you? This is something that I could always rely on, the fact that you don’t lie. And now I feel like I can’t rely on anything anymore, that I can’t rely on _you_ , Even!”

He sounds betrayed and Even wishes he could do everything over again.

He can feel his anger slowly ebbing, he wants this, he wants Isak. But at the same time Isak needs to know that he’s just human too.  

“Isak,” he starts and takes a deep breath. “Isak, I’m not perfect, you know?”

He didn’t even know that that was what he was going to say until he did. But it feels right to say it.

“I know you have this idea of me that I’m flawless and it’s so hard to live up to. I’ve done so many shitty things, I’ve kept things from you, thinking that you were better off not knowing. It kills me, but I’ve done it nonetheless.”

Isak frowns, looks like he doesn’t quite get what Even’s saying. But Even can at least see that he’s listening.

“Like your bipolar?”

“Yes, like my bipolar. But also other things. I’ve been telling myself that I didn’t tell you these things for your sake, but maybe I’ve been deceiving myself, maybe it was all about my own benefit all along. To keep you thinking about me like that.”

And he hates this, knows that he’s going to have to fess up to the things he really wants to keep hidden, but maybe it’s time for Isak to know everything.

“I never told you about how your old friends treated me,” Even goes on quietly, unprompted. “How Martin made sure, over and over again, that I knew you weren’t serious about me.”

He can see Isak is gearing up to talk again, but he just continues over him. He’s talking fast, knows he needs to get this out while he can.

“I never told you how I somehow treated you exactly like Andreas, started ordering you around instead of asking you, because that’s what worked. That’s what made you go out with me. And when I realized just how much of a weapon it was, just what kind of power I held over you with that, I didn’t stop. I wanted to. But I couldn’t. I kept telling myself it was for your own good, that I was telling you to stay away from your friends because they were bad for you. But I knew, deep down I knew that you had to realize that for yourself. And I’m so sorry for that. I’m so sorry and I feel like the biggest piece of shit for doing that to you. I promise I haven’t done it in a while and that I won’t do it anymore.”

He’s out of breath and shaking from nerves, but Isak doesn’t help him. He’s looking at him with cold eyes, arms crossed in front of him, and everything about him screams back off. All Even wants to do is touch him, to know that he’s still there, but he can’t. He’s not sure he’s allowed to anymore.

“Are you done? Or do you have more you want off your chest?” Isak asks and he sounds every bit as angry as Even expected him to.

But he also sounds resigned, detached. And somehow that’s just worse. Even would rather have his rage any time of the day. He’s scared what this means, but he has to continue, has to finish so everything is out there, so there’s no more secrets between them.

“I knew you from before,” he says and feels so shameful about this secret that he looks down at his hands as he speaks. He can’t stand witnessing Isak’s reaction.

“I was at Nissen for my third year while you were in your second. I noticed you right away, I watched you from afar for the whole year, completely fascinated by you.”

He’s about to continue when he hears Isak gasp. It’s soft but it’s enough to make him look up to see for himself. Isak looks different now. His stance has loosened, and he looks like he can’t tear his gaze away from Even. It makes Even want to continue.

“I wanted to get to know you so bad, every day was a struggle not to go to you and talk to you. I could see you getting bad, but I was too big of a coward to do anything about it. I’d just been through a big episode at Bakka that made me drop out and I was at Nissen to repeat the year. I barely wanted to make friends, let alone find a boyfriend or fall in love.” He pauses for a second, studies Isak as he says the next part. “Which I knew I would’ve if I’d approached you.”

He sighs, tries to catch his breath, has to force the next words out of his mouth in order to say them. And he looks right at Isak as he says them.

“If I hadn’t been that much of a coward, if I had just spoken to you then, maybe you wouldn’t have ended up with Andreas. Maybe you wouldn’t have drifted apart from Jonas and the guys. Maybe if you’d had somebody to support you through everything going on with your mom you wouldn’t be as you are today.” His breath is shaky, and his eyes are burning with tears. But he pushes through, needs this out there. “I feel like it’s my fault, that me being afraid has helped you become an addict and it’s eating at me, and I hate it. I hate feeling like this, I hate that I did that to you, and I’m just… I’m sorry, okay?”

The tears are running down his face and he’s just on the verge of sobbing, he can’t believe he’s telling Isak this, that the words are finally out there, that Isak finally knows. He’s so afraid, hates that he had to, but in a way, he feels better for having spoken them.

“I’m just so fucking sorry, Isak,” he finishes, but he’s not sure how much of that was even intelligible as he’s crying hard now.

The kitchen turns silent after that, the only sound the soft humming of the fridge and Even’s crying. He’s afraid to look at Isak, afraid to see the disdain that’ll surely be in his eyes. He must hate him.

Even can’t imagine any kind of scenario where Isak would still want to be with him now after knowing this.

“Even, for fuck’s sake. You didn’t make me become an addict.”

Isak’s voice cuts through the silence and he sounds every bit as annoyed as Even expected him to. He almost doesn’t hear the words, at first it’s just the tone of Isak’s voice that registers. It’s not until he continues that he understands what Isak just said.

“Don’t be stupid, that’s a lot of maybes and you don’t know if anything would’ve been different if you had talked to me.”

Even finally looks at him, tries to blink the tears out of his eyes to really be able to see what Isak is feeling. His face is not as blank as it was before, but he’s still not projecting anything but annoyance.

“I don’t even know what to say to this. Thank you for telling me?” He takes a deep breath and then continues. “I already knew you were at Nissen, Magnus told me he recognized you after the guys were here that first time, and I just figured you didn’t recognize me from there. But this...”

He stops there, looks uncertain.

“I kind of feel flattered, but I don’t know if I should?” he says that with an uptick in his voice and a glance in Even’s direction which is soft and makes Even’s heart skip a beat.

“The part with my old friends is annoying as fuck, but it’s not really an issue anymore as I’m never getting close to Martin again. I’m so sorry that they treated you like that. You know that if you’d just told me, I would’ve done something about it? Like talked to them or something,” he says, and his tone of voice leaves Even feeling hopeful.

“The part with you treating me like Andreas…” he says and leans back in his chair, breathing out heavily. “I definitely don’t feel like you treat me like Andreas and I hate that you’re comparing yourself to him. But I don’t think I understand what you mean?”

Even sits back as well. His tears have stopped but his cheeks are still wet, so he spends a few seconds wiping his face with the sleeve of his hoodie, careful not to touch his nose.

“Do you remember when we first got together?” Even starts, looking for words to explain this, glancing at Isak to see if he’s listening.

Isak nods, looking at him intently. Even has his undivided attention and he’s not sure how he feels about that.

“I kept asking you to go out with me. Kept offering myself up. And you barely tolerated me.”

When he looks at Isak this time he has a slight blush to his cheeks, like he’s ashamed that he was so difficult for Even. And Even wants to reach out and touch him. He’s always been so fond of Isak’s blush. It’s hard to get him to, but when he does he blushes so prettily.

But he knows better than to do anything of the sort right now. He knows it’s better if he keeps his hands to himself.

“And all that changed one day when I told you to get coffee with me, instead of asking, and you just followed me. You just did. And I tried it again later, and it didn’t matter what I told you to do, you just did it. Sometimes it feels like I lured you into being with me.”

This is Even’s deepest, darkest fear. This is the ugliest truth about himself that he’s carried on the inside for so long. And it’s finally out there. He’s finally revealed how abysmally he’s treated Isak and he feels so heavy and useless. He feels like curling up and just disappearing from the surface of the Earth.

He doesn’t belong here. He doesn’t belong with someone as bright as Isak.

“That’s just ridiculous, Even. You didn’t lure me into doing anything,” Isak says and he sounds dubious, like he doesn’t really believe him.

“Last night, Andreas asked me if I knew about it, knew how to make you do things, _you don’t ask, you order him_ , he said.”

Even’s voice is low, much lower than he would’ve liked, but he’s so ashamed of this, it’s just not possible for him to say it any louder. It’s low enough that he can hear that sound that Isak makes in his throat at his words.

“Fucking _Andreas_ ,” he spits out and Even looks up at him in surprise.

“I can’t believe that he told you that,” Isak looks away, looks out of the window, but he looks so angry and Even is left feeling confused.

He sits there like that just breathing through his nose for a while and Even doesn’t know what to do next.

“Have you really talked to him about me?” he finally asks.

Even doesn’t hesitate as he starts talking again. “No, I haven’t talked to him about you. He’s talked to me about you, telling me all these things about you that I wish he hadn’t, texting me… but I didn’t know how to tell you, I didn’t want you to get bad again.”

The words leave his mouth way too fast, almost stumbling over each other as they fall from him, but he needs to tell Isak this. Needs him desperately to understand.

Isak nods at that, like it makes sense to him somehow even though Even can’t imagine that it ever could. It doesn’t even make sense to him.

“I hate that. I hate that he’s been harassing you, I hate that he’s made you doubt yourself so much,” Isak spits out. “He just keeps fucking up my life.”

And now he looks at Even, really looks at him, and Even lets him. Feels a bone-deep relief in the way that Isak’s eyes rest on his face, his hair, his shoulders. Can sense that Isak isn’t about to pack up and leave. But he still wishes he would tell him with words as well.

“Is this why you’ve been acting weird lately?” Isak asks and his voice is much softer now.

Even almost feels like he can breathe again from it.

He nods.

“He came over to me that Friday after Sonja had left, and he said…” Even has to take a deep breath to continue. “He said some pretty vile things to me about you. And after that he just kept messaging me.” Even doesn’t want to tell Isak everything, but he knows he has to. There can’t be any more secrets like this between them. “He’s even sent me a picture.”

Isak nods, but Even can see him fold in on himself a bit and he looks down at the table.

“Did that… did that make you change your mind about me?” Isak sounds so insecure that Even’s heart breaks a little then and there.

“What? No! There’s absolutely nothing he could say about you that would make me change my mind!”

Isak glances at him, still doesn’t look convinced, and Even gives himself a few seconds to think about what really went through his mind, what really made him pull back.

“He made me think that I wasn’t any better than him. Made me doubt that I would ever be good enough for you, treat you right. That I would ever be _enough_.”

Isak scoffs at that. “Yeah, he’s real good with getting in your head like that.” He puts his hand on the table between them, a peace-offering, and Even takes it gladly. “You know that nothing he says is true, right?”

Isak’s voice is barely a whisper, just loud enough for Even to hear, making the moment feel intensely intimate. Even looks at him, finally lets himself do just that, and he can feel his muscles lose some of the tension he’s been harboring, just from holding Isak’s hand and hearing him speak like that to him.

“Even,” Isak says and waits until Even’s eyes find his before he continues. “You are _everything_ to me. You have no idea how grateful I am every single day that you’re in my life. I was so lost without you, you don’t even know. I don’t care if you’ve done some of the same things as Andreas, what matters is the intention behind it and you definitely didn’t have the same intentions as him.”

Even feels his eyes get wet again, he’s turning into such a cry-baby, but it doesn’t seem like Isak is done.

“I hate that you feel like I’m making it hard for you to be yourself. I love you for who you are, not this idealized version that you think I have in my head. Don’t be afraid to show me who you are, baby.” He stops and pauses a bit, grabs onto Even’s hand tighter before he continues. “There’s nothing you could ever do or ever be that could make me stop loving you, don’t you know that?”

He finally gets out of the chair, doesn’t let go of Even’s hand, but uses it to pull him up from his own chair and into his arms. He squeezes Even until it feels like he can’t breathe, but Even really doesn’t mind, squeezes back just as hard, doesn’t ever want to let go.

Even almost feels like sobbing with relief. He’s shaking and so overwhelmed with what Isak is saying, his heart beating so fast that he’s getting a bit dizzy from it.

“Even, I love you. I hope I love you all my life and I hope that we’ll share our lives together.”

Even can’t stand it, there’s just no way he’s able to hold all of his emotions inside when Isak is talking to him like that.

So he pulls back a fraction, just enough that he can get his lips on him, and they finally kiss.

They’ve never kissed like this before. Even’s never been so absorbed in a kiss, everything is Isak, everything is Isak’s tongue and lips and mouth. Everything is the sounds he’s making.

Even feels so safe here. So loved. He can’t imagine ever wanting to be anywhere else.

He’s brimming with emotion, is feeling so much, however, the only thing that comes out of him when they finally break apart is, “Same for me.”

And Isak starts laughing at that. It’s a good feeling being that close to him as he laughs, Even can feel it in his entire body, and it makes him smile back at Isak.

“When did I become the sappy one?” Isak asks even though his laughter has barely died down.

Even loves it, he loves this, having Isak close like this. He’s sure that he’s never going to get enough of it.

“Who are you kidding? You’ve always been the sappy one,” Even says and that just makes Isak laugh even harder.

He can’t help but pull Isak in, wants to feel him against him, desperately needs to get his hands on him. Isak comes more than willingly, puts his own arms back around Even and aligns his body with his.

When they kiss again it’s a different kind of kiss altogether. This one is full of intention and it turns dirty in seconds. Even doesn’t even think about it, he just pulls himself closer, always closer.

The desperation he felt before to get the emotional connection back has been replaced by something else. Now he knows, he feels it in his entire body, that they aren’t over. Isak is staying with him, even though he knows it all, even though he knows every ugly secret Even’s kept from him, and he feels a bone-deep relief from it.

Isak’s tongue in his mouth is turning that relief into something else, though.

“Isak,” he whispers against his lips, almost shaking from want, from how bad he needs him close.

Isak doesn’t reply though, just tilts his hips so their dicks rub against each other and pushes at Even, makes him step back. But Even can’t bear to be pushed back right now, needs to surround Isak, to show him how overwhelmingly happy he is. So he turns them over and uses that momentum to press Isak back against the counter. Isak makes a high-pitched sound high in his throat that shoots straight to Even’s dick and Even feels his desperation grow.

He needs to feel Isak against him, he needs to feel his skin, to feel him here. So he starts pulling at Isak’s clothes ineffectively, almost too lost in how much he needs it, but it makes Isak’s shirt ride up enough for Even to get his hands under it, on his back, just in the sliver that’s revealed. He sighs with the feel of smooth, warm skin and he can’t help but to start exploring the expanse of Isak’s back now available to him.

Isak moans and deepens the kiss even more. As he does his nose hits Even’s and pain shoots through him. He makes a wounded sound that he fails to hold back, and it makes Isak start to pull back a bit.

But Even isn’t having it, he doesn’t want Andreas to come between them in any way tonight, so he just pulls Isak back in and kisses him again. Takes care to angle his nose away from Isak.

Isak gives into it immediately, grinds his hips against Even’s, creating delicious, delicious friction against Even’s dick, and Even feels it in his entire body. His skin tingles with it and he heats up all over. It makes him sweat a bit in his hoodie, makes him want to take his own clothes off.

Isak starts grinding against Even, his tongue working wonders in Even’s mouth, and Even can hardly concentrate from it. He doesn’t know how Isak can keep working his hips like that, it seems impossible for him to do anything but stand there and just take everything that Isak is giving him. He’s all but lost to the sensations coursing through his body from it.

His dick is already so hard, throbbing uncomfortably in his pants, and he’s dying to free it. Dying for Isak to do something, anything, to it. Isak releases his lips, begins to mouth at his cheek and down his jaw instead. It makes Isak’s breath loud in the small space between them and Even has to clench his eyes shut in reaction to it.

He loves that, he loves how Isak knows that his ears are sensitive like that, and how he’s not afraid to use that knowledge.

Isak’s hands finally finds Even’s button and zipper, and before Even knows it, Isak has his dick in his hand.

Isak’s hand feels so wonderful, so big and his grip just right. Tight in the way Even really, really likes. He can’t get enough of it, and he hasn’t even noticed that Isak has stopped kissing him, has pulled back enough that he can watch Even.

When Even finally opens his eyes, he’s met with the fantastic sight of Isak looking at him with that small, private smile on his face.

Even has to swallow at all the words that flood him, threaten to spill out of him. He knows that if he started talking now he would never stop. He would just keep telling Isak how beautiful he is, how wonderful he is, how happy Even is that he chose him to be part of his life.

Not for the first time, Even feels so goddamn grateful. He can’t believe that he’s the one who gets to see Isak like this, gets to be part of this journey with him. He can’t believe how far Isak’s come in the last months and he’s so, so proud. It’s almost like he’s bursting at the seams from it.

There’s just not enough room inside of him for all that he’s feeling right now. So instead of letting it spill out of him as words he leans forward and catches Isak’s perfect lips with his own.

And he gives it everything he’s got, pours his heart and soul into that kiss, and Isak makes a wounded sound in his throat, like he can feel it, feel everything Even is trying to say with that kiss.

Even is overtaken with desperation once again, he’s frantic and his dick almost aches with it now, the way that Isak is just holding it in his hand and not moving. Even can’t stand it, he badly needs Isak to start moving again, wants Isak to stroke him to completion. And more importantly he wants to come with Isak.

So he resumes his pulling at Isak’s clothes and this time he succeeds in freeing Isak’s dick and the moment he gets it in his hand he sighs with it.

It’s always such a glorious feeling to hold Isak’s dick. It just fits, it’s the exact right length, the exact right girth, and Even’s never believed he would grow attached to it like he has.

But he loves it. He loves it so much. He loves how his touches can make Isak flow over with sounds of pleasure, make his skin pebble with goosebumps and slick with sweat.

It’s one of the best feelings in the world. That and the fact that Isak lets him, the he loves it too.

Even opens his mouth, catches Isak’s tongue with his own, and somehow has the wits to wrap his hand around the two of them at the same time. It punches a groan out of him just as Isak moans and he immediately starts to stroke.

He just can’t help it, he wants to hear more of those sounds from Isak, wants everything.

His strokes are efficient and hard, he’s not teasing, he just wants the release.

Their combined precum is making the strokes slick, and he hopes with everything he has that Isak is just as far along as he is, because with the way the heat is pooling in his stomach he knows it’s only a matter of time before he comes, there’s just no helping it.

He just wants Isak to fall over the edge alongside of him, somehow that’s all that matters in this moment, for them to have that connection. He loves making Isak come. It always leaves him feeling like the king of the world.

It’s clear that Isak’s just as into it as Even. Even can feel him shake against him, and his hands are sliding over Even’s upper body, constantly moving, clenching wherever he can find purchase. But it’s obvious that he’s fighting not to let go, that he enjoys it just as much as Even. Sometimes Even fucking hates Isak’s stamina.

He pushes into him a bit further, wants to get closer, shifts his hold on them a bit, and this new grip is somehow even better, rubs their dicks together in a way that makes Even’s toes curl and he’s left panting into Isak’s mouth.  

“Fuck, Even. I’m so close,” Isak pants against his mouth, and Even has to clench his teeth to it, he has to, he’s too close to coming already.

It’s such a heady feeling being this close to Isak, after being afraid of having lost him. He’s been so lost in his head, afraid that he would never have this again, but somehow this is even better.

Having everything out in the open, having Isak say those things to him, everything’s just better. He feels like he’s lighter in some way and even though his balls are aching for release, pulling up under him, it’s the smell of Isak in his nose, his lips against his, his skin sliding against his that matters. The sounds that he’s swallowing up, almost before they escape Isak.

There’s nothing that Isak could give him that he wouldn’t want.

It’s so clear to him now, how he wants everything with Isak. It’s always been about that for him, he’s never just wanted Isak, he’s wanted all that Isak was. All that Isak is. He never knew that Isak had this kind of potential. He hoped though, he hoped that Isak would become someone great. But he never knew he could be so much.

How big a part of his world he would end up taking over.

Isak is everything, he’s Even’s universe. He can’t imagine that he ever would have to wake up to an empty bed ever again, he just wants Isak there beside him forever.

And he moans out a desperate _fuck_ , doesn’t hate how vulnerable that realization should make him feel, because it doesn’t.

Instead he feels how right it is. He feels his heart working overtime from trying to contain everything that he has inside of him, all these emotions that he can’t quite name yet, but feel like something tied to forever.

And that word makes him wide-eyed, makes him stare into Isak’s green eyes, and somehow, that’s what pushes him over the edge, that’s what does the trick.

He groans hard and long against Isak’s mouth, and comes and comes all over them, his cum making his hand move even easier.

He’s still going when he can feel Isak tighten his grip on him, pull him further into him with both of his arms and then he can feel Isak convulsing against him, can feel how his cum adds to the mess between them.

And it’s perfect, it’s perfect standing there falling off the edge together, making a mess of each other. Even’s heart clenches from knowing that he gets to have this.

As soon as he’s done coming, has nothing left to give, he collapses against Isak. He’s panting and he’s such a sweaty mess, but he just doesn’t _care_.

Nothing in the world could feel better than this, than standing this close to Isak, feeling drunk on love and orgasms.

Nothing.

But then Isak’s eyes finds his, and the way he looks at him makes Even’s heart skip a beat. How is it even possible for Isak to convey so much with just a look?

Even is frozen to the spot, stays still as Isak slowly leans into him, enough that their lips just touch. Even feels Isak’s smile against his lips and he it’s so much he can barely _breathe_ from it.

And just when Even thought it couldn’t be possible for him to love Isak anymore, Isak finds a way to prove him wrong.

There’s nothing in the world but Isak and him and that’s exactly as it should be.

\--||--

Isak’s moving out of his apartment a couple of weeks later. Even’s parents offered to help, but Even told them no. Isak really doesn’t have a lot of stuff and besides, Isak’s dad had actually asked if he could lend a hand and Even had been thrilled when Isak said yes.

It feels right somehow that it’s Isak’s dad who helps with this, who makes sure that Isak can move on. This move feels like more, it feels like Isak is truly stepping away from his old lifestyle.

Even feels ridiculously proud of Isak for that.

It's so obvious to Even how much Isak's dad loves him. And it makes Even's insides clench with happiness seeing Isak have this. To see him allowing himself to be loved.

They’re almost done packing up when Isak’s dad comes around with the car. He’s rented a big van for the day and both Isak and Even stare at it for a few seconds because it’s just so _big_. It’s very obvious that Isak’s dad has never been to the apartment, as Isak really doesn’t have much.

Seeing Isak’s dad in Isak’s apartment makes Even’s heart stutter. It’s so obvious that he’s trying to keep himself together, to not fall apart at seeing how Isak has lived in the last years. He stands in the doorway for a few long seconds and then he clears his throat.

“Right. Where’s the rest of the things?” he asks and Even just looks at Isak.

Isak looks confused as well. He looks around at the few boxes that are there, the empty bookcase and the few pieces of furniture that are left and he gestures around with his arms.

“This is it.”

It doesn’t really seem like he understands his dad’s confusion. Even does, though. He remembers exactly what it felt like coming to this place the first time, seeing how _empty_ it is.

“Surely you must have some more. Where’s all the things from your old room?” he asks and finally takes a step inside.

Isak looks briefly at Even, like he’s not sure what he’s supposed to say to that.

“There are no things, dad. She burned them when I left.”

Isak’s dad takes a shuddering breath. He looks so devastated from those words that Even’s heart almost breaks with him.

“I didn’t know.”

Isak nods and takes a step towards him.

“There’s really nothing left?” he asks as Isak reaches him and just shakes his head.

They both look so sad that Even has to look away. This moment isn’t for him.

He knows that Isak’s dad is hugging him, whispering something to Isak that makes him smile a small smile, but it’s enough. It doesn’t matter how much Isak doesn’t have of his old life, this is him making a new one.

Even pretends not to notice how wet Isak’s dad’s eyes are as they pull apart and just gets back to packing the last of Isak’s things. And Isak’s dad just immediately jumps into it, takes a box and gets started on the kitchenette with Isak’s help.

It's funny seeing Isak with his dad like this. It’s so obvious that they’re related, they’re alike in so many ways.

Isak’s dad also has that cupid's bow, not as much as Isak but it's clearly there. He’s just as tall and they even have some of the same mannerism. Like the smirk Isak’s dad wears when he's listening to something funny or adoring. He has that look on his face most of the time when he's with them.  

They have the place emptied not even an hour later and they drive to Even’s, no _their_ place, where Isak’s dad helps them unload it. Afterwards they eat a late lunch and it’s all so understated and easy that Even almost can’t believe it.

This, this right here. This is exactly how he always dreamed it would be.

As soon as Isak’s dad leaves they start unpacking, but after a few hours they sit down on the couch and look at the small stack of boxes still surrounding them.

“Where are we going to fit all this?” Even asks and he feels ridiculous asking as there really isn’t a lot. But it seems they haven’t really considered the fact that even though there’s only a little it still needs a place in their apartment.

Isak shrugs and points to the wall next to the TV which is about the only free wall in the living room.

“I was thinking we could hang my bookcase there, so I’ll always have my books within reach when I’m studying.”

Although Even really likes that Isak has planned ahead a bit, that he’s actually thought about it, he still pretends to be outraged.

He puts his hand on his chest and says, “But Isak, what about my surround sound? I need those little speakers hanging there, or I won’t be able to watch my movies the way they’re supposed to be.”

Isak smiles at him. “You and your pretentious sound-system. You really think that that’s more important than making room for your boyfriend in your apartment?”

And Even sputters in mock indignation, “Of course it is! How will I ever be able to see _Romeo + Juliet_ with anything less?”

“Yeah?” Isak asks and leans in to push Even down on the sofa with his body and Even follows all too willingly.

“Yeah, definitely,” Even says, smiling, lifting his head so Isak will start kissing him.

But Isak’s teasing him, is keeping his lips just out of reach from Even and lifts his eyebrows and asks, “What can I do to change your mind?”

He’s so delicious like that, completely irresistible. He looks so genuinely happy and at ease that Even’s heart is close to bursting with delight.

“I’m sure you can think of something,” he manages to say, and he already sounds out of breath.

Isak _hmms_ and makes room for himself between Even’s legs and Even is already half hard just from having Isak on him.

“I’m sure I can,” he whispers as he runs his nose along Even’s cheek, down his jaw and Even immediately tilts his chin to make it easier for Isak to kiss him there.

It always makes him so weak in the knees when Isak does this, is like this. Slow and methodical, and just generally teasing. He can take Even apart like nothing else when he’s in this mood.

Even is almost shaking just at the thought of it.

Isak shifts his hips, just enough that Even’s dick is rubbed just right, and Isak sighs appreciatively when he feels how hard Even already is.

“Have you been waiting for this all day?” he whispers in a low voice and Even has to swallow hard at the way Isak says those words.

His mind is busy imagining all the ways that Isak could take him apart and he’s trying to remember if they put the lube back between the sofa cushions after the last time they’d used it.

Even’s not quite sure he’s able to answer, so he makes a weird sound in his throat that makes Isak smile. It probably tells Isak more than words ever could.

Just then Isak takes Even’s hands and places them above his head, keeps them down with a steady pressure while he rolls his hips against Even’s, getting their dicks into contact, and Even can’t think about the location of the lube anymore or even how to speak. All that’s in his head is _yes_ and _good_ and _more_.

Isak keeps grinding onto him in these lazy full-body thrusts that are really doing it for Even, make him feel it in his toes and he’s flushed in no time. He knows that this is just the start of it, knows that Isak is only teasing him for now, but he’s ready to just pull down his pants and go. Just like that.

He stops thinking completely as Isak leans down and catches his lips with his. There’s nothing teasing about this kiss, it’s dirty from the start, Isak’s tongue exploring Even’s mouth, and Even whimpering into it.

It’s not enough, not quite, but he’s not complaining. Loves when Isak’s in charge like this, loves it when he’s allowed to call the shots because he’s proven time and time again that he knows just how to play Even right. Knows just what buttons to push to make him dazed and sex-stupid and Even _craves_ it.

It feels like the perfect way to spend the first night together in _their_ apartment.

They kiss like that for a while, Even slowly melting into the couch, putty in Isak’s hands. Isak is moving at glacial speed, like he has all the time in the world, and Even giddily realizes that _he has_.

He’s just starting to push up Even’s shirt, just shifted away from the kiss to look at him, and he’s looking like he’s getting ready to start kissing Even’s chest, hopefully give his nipples some attention, when they’re interrupted by the buzzer.

They groan in unison and Isak lies down on top of Even completely and nuzzles into his chest.

“Are you expecting anybody?”

Isak’s voice is so muffled against Even’s t-shirt that it’s almost impossible to understand if not for the fact that Even was just on the verge of asking the same.

Even shakes his head and Isak gets up to look at his phone.

“It’s already past nine. Who the fuck can that be?” he sounds every bit as annoyed as Even feels.

Looking at Isak’s disheveled hair and puffy, beautiful lips makes Even ready to just ignore it. And he’s about to pull Isak back down on him to continue where they left off when the buzzer goes off again.

Isak curses under his breath as he gets off Even and tries to right himself as he goes out into the hallway.

Even reluctantly sits up on the couch and hears Isak speak to whoever is at the door and to his surprise he can hear Isak open up for them.

“It’s my dad,” Isak yells at him and Even is suddenly really busy straightening his clothes as well, trying to make himself look like he wasn’t just about to have sex with his son.

He gets up off the couch to go greet him with Isak and he reaches the hallway just as Isak’s dad pops his head through the front door.

“I’m so sorry to come by so late, but I have something for you,” he says, a bit out of breath from the stairs as he starts to take off his shoes. He has a box under his arm and gives it to Isak as he takes off his jacket and throws it over the other jackets carelessly. Like he’s too eager to care about protocol.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about how you had nothing left because your mom burned it all and I just felt so bad about it, you know?”

He’s talking really fast, using his hands in excitement, and it’s like he’s the spitting image of Isak once he really gets going. Even can’t help smiling a bit as they follow Isak’s dad to the living room. He sits down in the exact spot where they were just making out and Even flushes a bit and glances at Isak to see what his reaction to that is.

But Isak is looking between his dad and the box and he looks hesitant and puzzled, while he’s holding the box as if it might explode between his fingers. He sits down gingerly next to Even as his dad goes on.

“I went home, and it took me a little while to remember that I have some of your stuff that I took with me when I left, hoping you would come live with me, or you know… visit,” he says it fast, like he’s trying to hide how this is still an issue between them, and tries to show instead that that’s not what matters now. “I’ve spent all evening looking for it, and when I found it I knew I had to give it to you.”

Even’s never seen Isak look so flabbergasted before. He’s looking at his dad with wide eyes and it’s not hard to sense his hesitance. He doesn’t move to open the box, just stays like that, frozen.

His dad seems surprised by the lack of reaction, because his smile falters and he looks at Even briefly, but Even doesn’t know what to say or do.

His dad clears his throat and makes some gesture with his hand that Even can’t decipher. “You obviously don’t have to open it now. Just take your time.”

That seems to shake Isak out of it. He looks at the box again and then back at his dad. He puts it gently on the table and as soon as it’s out of his hands he throws himself at his dad, pushes himself into his arms.

Even can’t see it, but he suspects that there’s tears because he sees how Isak’s dad’s eyes turn wet as he puts his own arms around Isak and squeezes tight.

It’s enough to make Even’s eyes burn as well.

Finally Isak pulls back. He looks down and sniffles like he’s trying to hide the crying and his dad is doing the same. It kills Even to see how similar they are.

Isak finally sits back, takes a deep breath, and says, “Okay.” And then he takes off the lid very slowly.

Even tries to keep his curiosity at bay as Isak puts it on his lap. He starts to take each item out one by one and he spends so long looking at each drawing, at each trinket that Even’s heart hurts. It’s almost too much seeing Isak look at these memories from his childhood. Seeing him reacquaint himself with things he thought were lost forever. He’s more than halfway through when he gets to a stack of old pictures and Even can feel his own hands shaking at the way Isak is looking at them.

Isak has silent tears falling down his cheeks as he looks at pictures of him as a young boy on holiday, starting school, playing with Jonas. Even can hardly breathe as Isak stops at one picture that’s taken on a beach, and it’s of Isak, his dad and what Even presumes is his mother.

They all pretend not to notice how much Isak’s dad’s voice shakes as he says, “It’s from when we went to Greece that summer when you were 10. Do you remember?”

Isak clears his throat and whispers, “Yeah.”

He sits with that picture longer than he’s sat with anything else, and in the end he puts it apart from the pile of the other things. Like this is clearly special to him and deserves a different kind of attention.

He goes through the rest of the pictures and things in the box with his dad and it’s the best feeling in the world seeing how much more at ease with each other they’ve become just from this. It’s clear that Even didn’t really realize just how much this meant to Isak, the fact that he didn’t have any roots, didn’t have any physical manifestations of his memories to share.

When his dad finally leaves it’s gotten really late and Even kisses Isak gently before he goes to brush his teeth. He’s a bit surprised to find that Isak hasn’t followed him, misses their routine of brushing their teeth next to each other in front of the sink.

He finishes up and then goes to find Isak.

He’s in the bedroom with a handful of trinkets from the box, carefully arranging them in-between some of Even’s own and Even’s chest constricts from it.

As he takes the few steps closer he immediately notices the picture from before hanging with the rest of their pictures on the wall next to the bed.

Even puts his arms around Isak from behind and buries his head in his neck.

“Are you making yourself at home?” he asks, but it’s a non-sequitur, he’s mainly saying it in the hopes of getting something out of Isak.

Isak sighs and leans back into Even.

“Can you believe this? Can you believe he actually did this?” he asks, and he sounds so happy that Even can’t help but smile against Isak’s neck.

“Yes, I absolutely can. He loves you, Isak, that’s clear as day.”

Isak turns in his arms and looks at Even in that way he does, where it’s like his eyes see everything in Even. It takes Even’s breath away.

“Yeah. I’m starting to see that as well,” he whispers, making the small space between them seem closed off to the rest of the world.

“We all do,” Even says and turns serious. Needs Isak to understand it, to make him realize that he’s not alone anymore.

It’s an exquisite sight seeing Isak blush from his words, but he doesn’t object. Maybe he _is_ beginning to realize it.

“I’m starting to see that too,” he sighs and it’s so heartfelt and tentative that Even’s stomach flutters and he’s filled with so much love and pride for Isak.

For how far he’s come, for how much he’s changed.

Looking back all those months ago when he’d made the decision to pursue Isak, he would’ve never expected in his wildest dreams that this is where they’d end up.

Living together, fitting into each other’s lives effortlessly, accepting of each other, faults and everything, and feeling more in sync than he could’ve ever imagine he would with anybody ever.

And completely and utterly in love.

He never expected it. But he’d hoped. Oh boy, had he hoped.

And now? Now he wouldn’t trade this for the world. He knows, with every fiber of his being, that this is what it’s supposed to be like.

This is their happy ending.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe it’s done!! (I’m honestly a bit of a mess right now over it…)
> 
> So many people have made this writing process bearable for me, and I just have to mention a few: 
> 
> My beta and lifesaver, Mornmeril, who has done so much more than beta’ing this series. It just wouldn’t be what it is today without your help and support. <3
> 
> The bestest bestie a girl could have, Maugurt, who’s just been so understanding and patient and I owe you so much. <3 <3 
> 
> The skandi crew who have graciously listened to me complain and moan about this part and have been some of my biggest cheerleaders. Thank you, girls!! <3
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this last part, and just know, that this has been a privilege to write and to share with you. I’d love to hear how you feel about the ending, so don’t be afraid to come laugh and cry with me in the comments… <3

**Author's Note:**

> You guys all know by now just how happy every kudos and comment make me, so if you want to make an author squeal from glee, that’s the way to do it… ;)
> 
> I’m [nofeartina](https://nofeartina.tumblr.com/) on tumblr, where I bask in the greatness that is Evak. Come play! :)
> 
> And the post for this fic is [here](https://nofeartina.tumblr.com/post/166976247874/home-is-just-a-room-full-of-my-safest-sounds).


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